Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The difference between the Jamily and The Family


How's your week been?

As most of my dear reader(s) don’t know because of its almost total irrelevance to modern society, Pearl Jam released a new album last week. I've listened to the album about 17 times in the past week; it's called Backspacer and is fairly solid and I’m only about half deaf.

The pure fact is I love Pearl Jam. Inarguably; my love is truly for Eddie Vedder. However a basic love for their music has become a side product. The truth is I’ve actually come to appreciate nearly a third of their musical catalogue.

I’m not going to bore you, dear reader(s), with the long and uninteresting story of how I became such an ardent fan of Pearl Jam because, like you, it involves a boy, angst and checkered blue and red flannel.

What sets me apart from the others is that I’ve stayed true. I've went on to unofficially join the Jamily: Pearl Jam's cult-like following that would follow their dear leader into the driest, sandiest stretches of the American desert after a purposeless, mass killing.

Yep, I stuck around after Ten and liked it. While the rest of you went on to more mature musical landscapes created by hip, artsy bands like Radiohead, Modest Mouse and MGMT…that kept their fans attractively at bay, I stayed put. This odd habit of loyalty has often fucked me in other areas of my life…namely with men, but still it persists.

Fortunately for me and Pistola's reader(s) it finally paid out and I was able to score an interview with Teddie Vedder! Of course we all know him as the lead singer of the cover band Can’t Find a Better Band.

Pistola Whipped Gets a Life: Hi Teddie!

Teddie Vedder: Die bitch.

PWGAL: Is that a swastika on your forehead?

T.V.: Suck it, cuntwhore.

PWGAL: Wow. You look a lot more like Charles Manson than Eddie Vedder.

T.V.: That fucking communist pig Vedder has a swastika on his forehead.

PWGAL: Ah, no he doesn't. Those lines are from furrowing his brows together because of his deep concern over the human condition.

Teddie Vedder just rocks silently in his chair.

PWGAL: No, really. I mean that swastika on your forehead looks like the one Charles Manson has. I think I would know how Eddie's forehead swastika looks.

TV: Once I carve your eyeballs out of your whore head you wouldn't know what a swastika looked like if it was carved on your vagina.

PWGAL: Wow. You're really being a big jerk. You know Eddie Vedder is responsible for such sensitive hits as, 'Wishlist', 'Daughter' and 'Can't Find a Better Man'? For someone impersonating him you'd think you'd be a bit more in tune to a lady interviewer.

Once again, Teddie Vedder just looks at Pistola while rocking in his chair.

PWGAL: Um, okay. Moving on…what inspired you to start a Pearl Jam cover band?

T.V.: Pearl Jam gets a lot of pussy. I don’t get much of that where I'm living. I NEED PUSSY!

PWGAL: Not an answer Eddie Vedder would give at all, but okay. What song of Pearl Jam’s do you perform that gets the most applause from the crowd?

T.V.: DIE PIGS! [raises hands in air. Pistola notices handcuffs wrapped around Teddie's wrists for the first time.]

PWGAL: I’m not familiar with that song. What album could I find that on?

T.V.: How about you get on your knees, suck my dick right now and you'll find it! Helter Skelter!!

PWGAL: Okay. I’m pretty much sure Eddie Vedder wouldn't ever say that. You're Charles Manson pretending to be Eddie Vedder, which is just gross. Does Eddie Vedder know you’re impersonating him?

Charles Manson: I am fucking Eddie Vedder. I am fucking Teddie Vedder. I am fucking the Anti-Christ. Little girl, you are going to get your asshole ripped out of your pig mouth and then I'm going to shove it in your bitch-ass Sharon Tate vagina.

PWGAL: Okay. That confirms it. You're pretty much Charles Manson. Anyway, do you know Eddie Vedder?

Prison guards dragging Charles Manson off the interview site.

So, that interview wasn't as successful as it could have been. I guess I should read between the lines when responding to ads in the back of the National Enquirer.

Until then I remain,
Prisonola Whipped

Friday, September 11, 2009

Interview with a Celebrity...


How are you on this muggy, hot September night in Friday?

Something about that question doesn't roll right, but I'm going to leave it because I'm lazy.

I am well. Thanks for not asking.

Not to fear, dear reader...I take what you say and feel about this blog seriously. I take it down to the deepest, rotting, barely beating core of my heart. And that's why this blog is truly for you. Yeah, I may get some kicks out of gushing meaningless feelings and posting it on the Internet for all to read, but really it's about you.

So, when I review all of my comments from my blog posts (all one comment)-I know what is a hit here on Pistola Whipped gets a Life and what fails miserably and what seems to work is the candid, telling, rare interviews I am able to secure.

I know I've been away awhile...I'm sure you've been checking in hourly waiting for little Pisty here to post again, but I've been busy. I've been busy searching the smallest crevices of this big world for the perfect interview for PWGAL and I think I've found it.

With no further ado...

Pistola Whipped goes full frontal with David Duchovny

PWGAL: David, hello. Geez, you're tall...and handsome. My god. (Pistola wringing her hands, not sure if she is able to go on with this interview.)

DD: Hi. Hello. How are you? Who are you? I'm sorry. Have we met? I thought I was supposed to be interviewing with Barbara Walters.

PWGAL: Oh, about that. Yeah, Barbara wasn't able to make it. This is actually an interview for my blog...Pistola Whipped gets a Life? You may have heard of it. It's really well read in Las Vegas.

DD: Um, okay, (signaling to his bodyguard). I don't really read...

PWGAL: New Mexico. It's popular in Las Vegas, New Mexico.

DD: So, what exactly do you want? How can I help you?

PWGAL: Well, David, I guess me and my readers have some questions for you. And you know since this blog is totally underground and stuff you don't have to feel any pressure to give us the Hollywood answers.

DD: Hollywood answers? I'm not sure I understand.

PWGAL: Not to worry. Let's start with this question: In your new TV series, Californication, you play Hank Moody. A drunken writer who seems to bang anything that walks. Question: is there anybody you wouldn't bang?

DD: Well, hmmm...Hank is promiscuous. He doesn't see the point in trying to develop a relationship anymore since he's in love with his ex-girlfriend and she won't have him. Unrequited love...that whole bit, ya know?

PWGAL: Oh, wait. I see. I think you thought I was asking if Hank Moody would bang anybody. I was actually asking if you, David Duchovny, would bang anybody?

DD: That's kind of personal and I'm a married man, so no, I wouldn't bang anybody.

PWGAL: That leads us perfectly to my next question: how did your addiction to sex work with being married and all?

DD: Again that's kind of personal, but um, I guess it worked for awhile and then it didn't, hence the treatment.

PWGAL: Treatment...treatment? (tapping forehead) What exactly is treatment again?

DD: Treatment is where you go through intense counseling and self-reflection to beat your personal demons. Do you honestly not know what treatment is? Rehab?

PWGAL: Yeah, never heard of it. I just figured you took the role of Hank Moody so you could have sex with a ton of women without it being cheating.

DD: Are you serious? Are you being serious right now?

PWGAL: Moving on, you played Fox Mulder on the X-Files for an astounding nine seasons.

DD: That is correct.

PWGAL: You received a Master's Degree from Yale in UFO studies and out-of-body experiences. How did your education help you in the role of Mulder?

DD: Actually, I received a Master's from Yale in English literature. So, if it helped at all, it actually helped more in the role of Hank Moody since he's a writer.

PWGAL: Really? I'm not seeing the connection there.

DD: Well, Hank is a writer-I studied English lit...

PWGAL: So, you didn't receive a Master's in UFO studies? I have it on good authority that you did.

DD: I think I would know. Listen, could we wrap this up? I have a lot of things I have to do.

PWGAL: (snickers)...you have a lot of things you have to do, don't you mean a lot of people you have to do?

DD: All right. I think we're done here. It's been great. I wish you well, whatever your name is.

PWGAL: David, I love you. Please take me right here and right now (Pistola falls to her knees).

David Duchovny has already left the room.

Well, there it is folks. My connections finally scored me a Hollywood A-list interview and wasn't it good? I guess it proves that David isn't the big slut we've all thought because he wouldn't sleep with me.



I gotta go,