Thursday, May 28, 2009

New Home


I forgot how moving into a new place is kinda scary, disorienting and strange.

We moved. We’re in the new home and it is spectacular, but now I live amongst boxes and disarray and it still feels like someone else’s place. Once there is cable, then there is a home.

I’m sure I’ll get over it, but until then do the recurring dreams of someone breaking into the home continue?

I miss you cable and the Real Whores of New Jersey…

Pisthomela Whipped

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Sleeping Pills and Broken Glass


Did anyone else get the best half-hour of sleep from 9 to 9:30 pm last night?

If you are nodding your head in agreement, then I know you were also attempting to watch The Hills, or The Sleeping Pills, as I shall now refer to it.

On the bright side, I discovered last night that The Sleeping Pills could be construed as educational programming.

For example, I learned that Heidi screaming 'Spency! Spency!' after he deposited a 400-pound rock on her ring finger can break a drinking glass just as if one threw it on the ground in frustration over The Sleeping Pills sucking badly.

Wait. Now I'm not sure how the glass broke.

Breaking glass aside, I really have nothing left to say, except to recommend you check out this guy's recap of The Hills here:

Have a wonderful day,

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Tackling loss...

Good Morning!

How are you folks? I really miss each and every one of you.

Speaking of missing, something has been missing from my life recently. I feel it keenly. The feeling lurks deep; twisting, turning and undulating in my gut. My heart also feels it, beating wildly one second then suddenly dropping to the pulse of a hibernating bear the next. Genuine loss is as significant a feeling as blood being drawn from the crook of the arm. It pricks, stings, drains and ultimately leaves you less of a person then before.

After weeks of soul-searching, I finally figured out the source of these feelings. It may come as a surprise to some (or none) of you. More accurately, it may come as a surprise to you how much you don't care.

But I do care, goddammit!

Here is where I reveal the very shallow depths of my being: I miss having competition in the Most Popular Blog contest. I miss the blog Where are My Balls?

Click here to check it out:

Isn't its neglected, outdated and dusty appearance sad? Don't you feel like you just entered an antique store in some despondent, small town? The proprietor is sitting motionless behind the till, looking out the cracked front window from time to time, commenting on the weather?

Perhaps that's just me.

Nevertheless, Where are My Balls needs to be resurrected, if only for my own preservation as a bloggist. Everybody needs competition to succeed. It's natural. Let's review some of the healthier competitions of our time: cops vs. robbers, vase vs. vaas pronounciation, Coleman vs. Franken. All healthy, wholesome competitions, in no way a waste of anybody's time nor money.

Blogging truly is a competition for Our Generation, not to be confused with the Next Generation.

Prepare to drill, Bucky.

Good Day,
Captain Pistola W. Whipped

Monday, May 11, 2009

Pistola gets shameless...


It's post-The Hills time. My hands are still shaking so terribly I can't believe I could turn on my laptop.

Welcome to...
Pistola Whipped recants everything from an earlier post.

Please allow me to state on this blog (which means 4-ever): I love The Hills shamelessly, unconditionally and unequivocally.

Good night,
Pisthillsola Whipped

Waiting/The Hills/Bug Splatter...


I figured out that I spend a huge amount of my life waiting. Specifically waiting for reality TV shows to air.

The day is Monday. What terrible show might I be waiting for tonight?

Alas, it is The Hills, dear readers.

Oh, how does adulthood disappoint...

Ms. Pistola Whipped

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Home runs and the GST Awards...


Two days of blogging in a row! I haven't achieved that astounding blogging feat, well...ever.

And to think, it's all inspired by the back-to-back home runs Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau just scored against the Seattle Mariners.

Too bad my back-to-back blogs don't rake in millions of dollars.

Last weekend I attended a three-day outing we refer to as the Garage Sale Trip. Since it is 2009, we creatively titled it GST '09. Essentially, we pile in an oversized vehicle (this year a purple conversion van) and tool along Highway 61, stopping at garage sales and bars all the while.

We all picked up some excellent, basement-bargain crap. However, some purchases were better than others and really deserve some recognition.

So, let's let the good times roll by rolling out a new bit on Pistola Whipped gets a life. A bit that shall only grace (or disgrace) us once a year.

We shall title it: Who bought the best crap on GST '09?
Let's get the party started!

In third place: Sal and Karen!

These cheaply made, blister-producing flip-flops were purchased not at a garage sale, but at the first of many bars we stopped at. How else to commemorate a lovely trip but with sandals bearing the bar's name?

And, moving on to second place: Karen!

For some reason, only to known to Karen, she purchased an ice cream maker.

Here's a conversation with Karen regarding the ice cream maker:

Me: An ice cream maker? Were you looking for one of those?
Karen: Not really (puzzled look on face).
Jenna: How are you going to get that back to LA? (Karen lives in LA and flew home)
Karen: I'm not sure. Do you want this?
Jenna: Does it work?
Karen: I don't know.
Jenna: No.
Me: No.
Karen: I'm not sure why I bought this.

I know that conversation was exciting, but after much postulating as to why Karen bought the ice cream maker it can only be surmised that this garage sale also sold a lot of this at the right price and possibly influenced Karen's state-of-mind:

And in first place for the best purchase on GST '09...Jenna! (as modeled by Karen)

No one is really sure what it is. Possible names that were thrown out: Snuggles, The Great Navy Blue Wonder and Jenna's Future. In any name, Jenna purchased this lovely (itchy) item in Read's Landing for a cool $1. A man with a conspicuous toupee sold it to her. His demeanor and general approach to the sale led us to believe that he probably had a lot of sex whilst wearing the item, most likely with himself.

Way to go, Jenna! This picture demonstrates Jenna's elation at winning first place:

You won this year's: Who bought the best crap of GST '09!

I'm off to count down the days 'til GST '10,
Prettycheapola Whipped

Friday, May 8, 2009

Milky Way bars, self-absorption and cats


What are you doing this fine Friday evening?

Me? Well, thanks for asking. I just made a big pot of Shells and Cheese and ate it whilst in bed, with my cats at my feet. And then I ate dessert: fun size Milky Way bars. Is it so wrong to eat the entire bag when they're fun sized?

How much respect did you just lose for me?

Honestly, did you really have any to begin with?

As you all know I recently got drunk, passed out, hit my head, got a concussion, went to the emergency room, passed out six more times, puked on my favorite sweatshirt, got stitches and faced all my co-workers with said stitches. In conclusion of those events I am trying to play it along the straight and arrow, or narrow, or however the saying goes.

Basically, I'm a bore and I'm bored

So, let's mix it up on Pistola Whipped gets a life. My self-involvement is really starting to tire me out.

Shall we do a bit? For old time's sake?

Pistola Whipped would like to spend a day in the lives of these people/cats/porcupines...

Yeah, they're my cats so it's an easy bit, but it's kinda true. How many times do I look at them curled up on a sunny spot, snoozing while I'm rushing out the door to get to work and want to be them?

They spend their days eating, running around, sleeping and spooning. They crap in a box that is emptied for them and they puke where they want and it's cleaned up after them.

That is why I would like to spend a day in the lives of these cats...

Pussyola Whipped

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Cinco de Mayo letdown leads to fake tanning lotion...


My God it's been so long, never dreamed you'd return...

Cinco de Mayo is upon us once again and once again I didn't learn what Cinco de Mayo actually celebrates.

So, let's move onto non-Mexican holiday related news.

It's the final countdown, da, duh, da, da, duh, da-da-da...

Yep, tonight's the night...the season finale of The Real Whorewives of New York City.

And I'm excited!

In preparation for this big event, I ate a bunch of sushi (sub par) and put fake tanning lotion on my legs. Actually these activities have nothing to do with the season finale, but if I don't tell my loyal reader(s) what I did today, then who would I tell?

RWofNYC airs in about a half hour and at that time it will be hard to discern if the stomachache I will inevitably experience will be caused from eating bad sushi or realizing the joy of my life comes from watching bad reality tv.

Ah, the struggle that is Pistola Whipped gets a life...

Folks, I'm off to apply my second round of fake tanning lotion.

Stay cool 4-ever,
Pistola Bronzed