Thursday, January 28, 2010

Hello bloga, hello la la and hello dolly...


It's strange how this lonely blogosphere works. One quits blogging for a couple of months (the equivalent of centuries in blog time) and then suddenly decides to write again and readers come out of the blogwork.

For example: Barb. Barb posted a comment shortly after I blogged yesterday. It didn't appear that she was a Sexy Lady (I'm sure you're sexy Barb, just not in the Internet porn way) or someone trying to sell Viagra as most of my other comment authors have been. Quite frankly, I don't know anyone named Barb. So, Barb, hello! Hopefully you're legitimate and not Eric aka-ing as a female....again.

Let's move on, shall we?

As mentioned before I've taken a rather lengthy hiatus from blogging. Winter in Minnesota has a tendency to kill any creative thinking and since this blog is teeming with creativity, it died along with the first deep freeze. Now, ponderously, it has risen its roaring head and secured yet another riveting interview.

Today Pistola Whipped goes la-la with Lady Gaga:

Pistola Whipped (PW): Good day! Would you like a spot of tea?

Lady Gaga (LG): Hello. Sure, tea would be great.

PW: Oh, golly. I didn't think you'd actually want tea. I don't have any. I thought the British were more polite than to accept tea from a stranger.

LG: That's okay. Let me just text my assistant and he'll bring us some.

PW: Assistant-pfff. The British [Under breath].

LG: Excuse me?

PW: Nothing. Let's start the interview.

LG: I'm ready.

PW: You don't have much in the way of a British accent. Do you work with a trainer to sound more American when you're in America?

LG: I was actually born in New York City. I'm an American citizen.

PW: Oh right. Do they train you to say that too? Like you have this whole American rags to riches, rose to fame story, that sort of thing?

LG: No, I'm an American. Where did you get the impression that I'm British?

PW: Well, you're the offspring of Iman and David Bowie, right?

LG: NO! What? Are you for real?

PW: Yes, of course. I read the first two sentences of almost every article written about you. It invariably begins with, 'Lady Gaga and David Bowie....yadda.'

LG: If you cared to read further you'd discover that David Bowie is not my father. The press likes to compare my musical persona to that of David Bowie's.

PW: I think if the press compared me to a musical persona it would be Barbara Streisand. Don't you think?

LG: [Signs. Starts texting.]

PW: All right. Moving on, your music is almost as remarkable as your fashion style.

LG: I take some offense to that comment. My music is what I'm known for. My style comes second.

PW: Right. So, if you were wearing a pair of Lee jeans and a turtleneck and singing 'Poker Face' people would still listen?

LG: I believe so. Yes.

PW: Do you know Barbara Streisand?

LG: [Signals to assistant, takes of microphone and walks off interview.]

Once again another star interview folks! And I'm sure you all learned something: Lady Gaga is no relation to David Bowie.

Yours very truly,
Lady Pistola-ola

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Clap your hands say what...


I am an American citizen.

I, like you, take my American rights seriously. And tonight we get to honor our American right to watch the State of the Union address on TV. Naturally I would watch the State of the Union even if it weren’t on every channel on TV, I think.

So, tonight we as a collective American people will sit on our chaise lounges and Barcaloungers and watch as President Barack Obama delivers his first freedom speech since taking office.

One thing I’ve noticed from year to year is that no matter whom the president, the viewing audience always claps after every sentence he says. I started to wonder this year, ‘who is the person responsible to keep the crowd energetic enough to keep clapping after every word the Prez says?’

In order to find out, I started a letter writing campaign. I wrote the White House. I wrote Hillary Clinton. I wrote Mario Lopez’s fan club. Oh wait, that was more of a personal matter. I never did get any responses, so I simply typed in ‘Who is the person responsible to keep the crowd energetic enough to keep clapping after every word the Prez says?’ And I still didn’t get any answers. So, I asked the Universe and found the guy.

With no further ado, Pistola Whipped shoots the breeze with State of the Union Address Audience Clap Guy.

Pistola Whipped (PW): Hello there [gives a big round of applause]!
Audience Clap Guy (ASG): You’re doing that all wrong.
PW: What?
ACG: Clapping. You’re clapping wrong [starts clapping].
PW: Really? That looks exactly like what I was just doing.
ACG: No, you had it all wrong.
PW: Okay. Well, thanks for the lesson. I suppose you should know. You’re the professional.
ACG: That’s right. I should know and I do know.
PW: Moving on. How did you know that you wanted to be the guy who gets an audience to clap?
ACG: Well, actually I just switch on a light that says, ‘APPLAUSE’ and then the audience kinda does the rest.
PW: You mean you flip on a light and the audience just does the rest?
ACG: Yeah, basically. I think that’s what I just said.
PW: So, you’re not behind the scenes mooning the audience or doing shadow puppets? It’s merely just flashing on a sign that says, ‘APPLAUSE’?
ACG: You hit the nail right on the head, missy.
PW: Even during the State of the Union address? You’re flashing an ‘APPLAUSE’ sign?
ACG: Oh yeah. They have a top notch one. Runs on nuclear energy. Real state of the art, if you know what I mean. Not even a switch on this one, just a big red button remotely hooked up to the sign. You don’t find that kind of apparatus on ‘American’s Funniest Videos’.
PW: Let me get this straight. You’re sitting near the president pushing a big red button that doesn’t look like it’s hooked up to anything? That doesn’t pose a security risk?
ACG: Nah, me and presidential security go way back. They know that after I got out of the pen the last time I put my criminal past behind me.
PW: You're a criminal?
ACG: Reformed. Now I'm in the business of Crowd Enthusiasm.
[A man in a black suit comes over to talk to ACG.]
ACG: Sorry. I gotta run. I have to go and do thumb calisthenics. It can be pretty draining to have to push that button down nearly 300 times in three hours.
PW: All right. See ya.

And that's it. I thought that the politicians had that much zest for the Presidential State of the Union address, but as it turns out, they are just duped by some phony sign.

Yours very truly,
Pistola Clapped