Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Pistola hands out Oscars...


In light of all the Oscar hoopla happening right now, I thought I would smack you upside the head with Pistola's take on the Hollywood haps. Put your bifocals on because here is:

Pistola hosts her own Academy Award party...and you're invited!

Please folks, spare us the vintage gowns and more-expensive-than-your-house diamond necklaces. Not to worry-we don't judge you based on what eating disorder got you in that Dolce & Gabbana, we're more concerned with eating just enough to keep our Hanes Her Way looking good.

Now that we got the dress code taken care of, let's take a look at the nominations.

In the first category:
Actress that most resembles Pistola Whipped

1.) Angelina Jolie-Salt
I haven't actually seen this movie, but I get compared to Angelina all the time.

2.) Natalie Portman-Black Swan. I also haven't seen this movie. If I'm not getting mistaken for Angelina then it's invariably for Nat.

Moving on...

Best picture of 2010 based on how hot the leading actor is

1.) Mark Ruffalo-The Kids are All Right.

2.) These three guys from Inception. From left: Tommy from the TV show Third Rock from the Sun, the hot guy from The Departed and some other hot guy who may or may not have been in this movie because I'm not sure if I saw this movie or if it was a dream that was planted in my brain.

3.) Ryan Gosling in Blue Valentine.

Yeah, so what? He made out with a blow-up doll once. I'll tell ya this, readers, what RG does for Levi jeans in this movie is what Patrick Swayze did for the mullet in another Oscar-caliber flick: Roadhouse.

4.) Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart. Yes, I realize I'm a year late with this one, but I didn't actually see this movie until...yesterday?

An overweight, drunken, sad bastard gets my vote any day in the movies or in real life. Personally, I think that The Dude should be given some type of award every year.

And last but not least

Movies I want to see because the main character reminds me of my friends

1.) Nenette

And the friend that leaps to mind? Jenna!

Please post your picks.

Big shout-out to Smokey Jenz CMob for co-collaboratin'. Hopefully one day Gosling will pay you a visit.

Thanks for attending,
MC Pistola Whipped

Friday, January 21, 2011

Pistola admits to readers the most shameful of addictions...


How are you on this fine, cold winter night?

I'm well.


One thing that hasn't happened to me in 2011 is that I haven't lost my love for cheesy power pop songs.

In fact, just tonight, in a Amazon MP3 buying frenzy I bought more of it.

Pistola Whipped reveals her obsession with pop music:

It's no secret to the dedicated, almost cult-like fans of Pistola Whipped, that I have no real taste in music. My favorite band, after all, is Pearl Jam. But it goes deeper than that, dear readers. It encompasses those over-produced, hastily written pop songs you hear playing at your local mall and at, apparently, gas pumps.

PW loves that shit!

Whilst downloading even more of these songs to my iPod tonight I took a rather depressing scan of all the songs I downloaded in 2010.

Here they are (power pops ones):

Alicia Keys-Empire State of Mind
Pussycat Dolls-Don't Cha (have you listened to the lyrics? I think these are grown women singing them)
Mary J. Blige-Family Affair (or what I like to refer to as the Crunk song)

TLC-the entire catalog
Jordan Sparks-Battlefield
Beyonce-Halo (from the album she went all Garth Brooks on)
Justin Timberlake-Sexy Back
Kim Zolciak-Tardy for the Party
Lady Gaga-too many to list

and this is almost too painful to admit,

Kelly Clarkson-My Life Would Suck Without You

This is an abbreviated list, but revealing it to you makes me understand how Level III sex offenders probably feel when they have to introduce themselves to their neighbors.

Spin that record,
Pussycat Whiplarkson