Saturday, March 27, 2010



A lot of things have happened over the past week:

A lot. Of. Things.

1.) I graded my friends. Some, but not all, were happy with their grades. This is some sort of example of life, I think.

2.) I saw the move Crazy Heart, which I won't bore with my dear readers with all the wonderful and depressing things I felt after viewing it, except I felt wonderfully and depressingly affected during and after viewing it.

3.) I'm on my 8th Budweiser

4.) That has nothing to do with this list.

5.) Larry McMurtry. I'm a fan. Past Lonesome Dove. Read his memoir and loved it. LOVED IT.

6.) This has been a big week for Pistola Whipped. One big-ass week.

7.) Yours very truly,

8.) Pistola Whipped

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Your final grades are in, ladies and one man...


Thank you for checking Pistola Whipped gets a life for your official grade from the Saturday night sauna party. People who did not attend are encouraged to read and start their work-outs for the next opportunity to party and be graded by yours truly.

Here we go:

Jenna 'my gray pussy hair is woven into a meaningful, Native American basket' N.:
A+ for first to arrive, last to leave
A+ for wearing a costume
A+ for drinking one bottle of wine, a half case of beer and a shot of Ny-Quil the night before and then drinking three times as much the rest of the weekend and still looking good, well as good as Jenna's ever gonna look
A+ for an A+ Papes game
A+ for partying on Sunday

Total Grade= A+

Anne 'why can't I grow pubic hair' R.
A+ for having the party
A+ for no ER visits
D for not putting lasagna in fridge overnight for post-party snacking
A+ for partying the next day

Total Grade= A+

Kiwi 'she earned her name by sucking every cock in New Zealand on a whistle-stop tour' B.:
A+ for driving the furthest for party time
A+ for having the 'oh shit moment of the night' when a frozen Guinness exploded in her face
A+ for sticking to only two mimosas on Sunday

Total Grade=A+

Jen 'do I need allergy meds or did someone just cum in my eye' MoMo:
A+ for edamame hummus
A+ for writing 'I wanna take you clown town Jenna...peen' in the nastiest, best semi-professional Papes game ever played
B- for almost choosing to watch TV and feeling sorry for herself on Sunday instead of partying

Total Grade=A

Aileen 'give it to me rough' Char-Char
A+ for bringing the Grain Belts and Crock Pot meatballs
A for kicking it in the sauna for a super long, almost unhealthily long time
A for marrying Justin and hanging with his sister's friends

Total Grade=A

Nichole 'do it to me one more time (in my ear)' K.:
A for doing dance party, sauna party and Papes party all in one night
A for staying until the wee hours of the night
A for diving right into the game of Papes and playing like a pro (see Jenna N. above)

Total Grade=A

Heather 'I wear tampons in my tear ducts' B.:
A for finally playing Papes like a champ and bringing more beer
C+ for coming late to the party
A+ for partying the next day

Total Grade=A

Nell 'she was dressed like she wanted it' B.:
A for bringing a little Martha Stewart to an otherwise prison inmate-like party
B- for not getting Dan to somehow take off his clothes
A- for putting the semi into semi-professional Papes

Total Grade=A-

Gina 'sweats VD' B.:
A+ for bringing a Diet Coke to the party in order to ease her hangover from the night before and only drinking one sip before switching to booze
A- for bringing Jenna's mom into a Papes round: in Barb's large and in charge vagina
B for partying the next day, albeit not with us

Total Grade=A

Leecy 'lick me left, I'll lick you right' Free-Free:
C for showing up, like, 11 or 12 hours late
A for last to leave
A for having the most remarkable hair change, or having in the words of Jen, 'spooge-white hair'

Total Grade=B+

Jessica C.
D for having only two drinks because she had to work at Gymboree the next morning
A for having only two drinks because she had to work at Gymboree the next morning
B+ for tolerating Kiwi's friends and liking us, I think

Total Grade=B+

Jen W.
C for being the first to leave
A for being one of the first to show
B for drinking six Coors Lites in one sitting

Total Grade=B+

Nikki W.
C for being late and leaving early
B+ for showing up wasted
B+ for having solo dance party

Total Grade=B+

Kimi L.
Didn't make it for legitimate reasons, can make up at later date.

Total Grade=I (incomplete)

Jennee 'should have, could have, sometimes on my lifepath' D.
B for funny, papes like pre-party email/text banter
D for not coming to the party

Total Grade=U (unexcused)

And our honorary party attendee:

Dan 'one pump, I mean one pape' K.
A for being the Cindrella story in the game of Papes
D for being the only male

Total Grade=C

And here is a little something to leave you with:
Jenna 'Gym Teacher' Nerb Nerb doing the ol' 'elastic riding up her butt, causing friction with her butt hair'.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Big money ideas have to start somewhere...


I think that's German for 'what's up fuckers?'

And I'm rather in a German state of mind after watching another riveting episode of Project Runway with German's very own pride and joy, the baby-making machine Heidi 'Boom Boom' Klum.

What if she started a show called Projects Runaway?

It could feature runaways from the projects making fashion forward outfits for situations like posing on a milk carton or what they will be wearing in 2018 when they do those age-projection picture deals.

Chew on it,

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Pearl Jam secret performance leads to meltdown leads to discovery...


Due to Pearl Jam playing a 'private' gig for Target-only employees at Target Center today...I had an official (Pearl Jam fanclub member) meltdown.

Un/fortunately, I'm not a Target employee so I could not see them play, but because my best friend is a Target employee I had play-by-play info via text messaging. I was so jealous I cried like those tween girls you see on Time info-mercials watching the Beatles.

How much Pearl Jam stalking did I do today thinking they would play at a local club instead of flying the private Target jet straight back to Seattle?

How much breathing did you do today?

There's your answer. Scared of me?

Yeah, pretty much everyone else is when I reveal the Pearl Jam obsession.

Guess what I did find out?

If you Google Pearl Jam and Minneapolis...

Pistola Whipped is the second thingie to come up!!!!

I think it's because of that interview I did with Charles Manson when he posed as Teddie Vedder, the lead singer of a Pearl Jam cover band, which is found earlier in this blog.

No matter what, this is truly one of my greatest achievements in life.

Yours very truly,
Pearljamola Whipped

Sunday, March 14, 2010



Another day in Minneapolis and another day closer to death.

This is where I'm at.

How about you?

Perhaps I should stop whining, but then where would that leave me?

Remember when growing up was a great and shiny thing?

I do.

Yours very truly,

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Rejection leads to top 5 list....


How is everyone?

I've had the recent pleasure of getting rejected from getting into graduate school. Rejection is delightful. It feels good to cry, scream at God and ask 'why me, Lord?' and then have a reason to go and get drunk with your friends.

Since my future is now squashed into smithereens, I've taken the past week to reflect, build character and stare at my ceiling.

Whilst staring and reflecting, the question 'what should I do with my life, Oprah/Suze Orman?' kept going through my head.

Constantly beating oneself up for failing invokes some interesting developments, such as the one I'm going to share with you, dear readers. I've decided, in list-form, to design my future by drafting my fantasy careers. Analyze carefully. This is a high-stakes league.

Here is Pistola Whipped finds a dream career:

5.) Homicide detective, but only if I could be on A&E's The First 48.
4.) Alt-country singer/songwriter. Like Lucinda Williams, not Sheryl Crow.
3.) Novelist. No qualifiers.
2.) The product of a trust fund.
1.) Real Housewife of Minneapolis...hook me up Bravo.

So, what do you think? Possible?
What are yours?

I need to get to work on my future.

Yours very truly,
Pistola Whipped