Saturday, March 12, 2011

Long break leads to riveting things...


We meet again. My, you look wonderful. These past few months have treated you well, dear readers, and I'm happy to call all of you my friends.

A few developments have...well, developed since I last blogged. Let's take a look, shall we?

1.) My cat Macea is in renal failure and has been given four months to live. Naturally, I am depressed and reduced to a near catatonic (no pun intended) state over this. Me and this cat are so close it's almost like she is a mole on my body. Or I'm one of the white spots on her paw. (Yep, I'm that crazy cat lady). I'm not quite sure how I navigated life before her and I'm not sure how I'll proceed once she's gone. I always half-joked that I'd have her stuffed when she died, but now that half-joke just brings tears to my eyes. I'm not sure how I ever found that funny.

2.) On the lighter side, Pistola Whipped Gets a Life celebrated its two-year anniversary back on March 3. Recall my first riveting post was about Morissey, the freakishly popular British crooner with a Brillo pad for a hairdo? Take a stroll down memory lane here.

And this blog has not stopped being riveting since its inception. And I can make a promise to you dear reader, that it won't stop being riveting in the upcoming posts. What I can't promise is that I'll increase my frequency of said posts.

3.) I recently read 'High on Arrival' by Mackenzie Phillips for my biography/memoir book club.

Hmmm...where to start? More importantly, where to end? Let me just say I had no idea who Mackenzie Phillips was before reading this book. Her claim to fame, the TV sitcom 'One Day at a Time' (not to mention her sexual relationship with her dad) rings very few bells. I have vague recollections of my brother watching this show and the maintenance guy Schneider, but as they say in the blogging business, this show was 'before my time.'

This all changed, of course, when I read her tell-all memoir. Whoa! Where has she been all my life? Good ol' Mack really knows how to have a swingin' time. She shoots coke, ODs and still goes to work on the same day, has a sexual affair with her biological father, gets high during her pregnancy and lives to write a goddamn scandalous book about it all. Ba-da-da-da-duh-da I'm loving it.

I'm sure you can just about imagine my unparalleled happiness when I contacted her and she agreed to give us an interview.

Pistola goes Intravenous with Mackenzie Phillips

Pistola Whipped Gets a Life (PWGAL): Mackenzie Phillips, how are you?

Mackenzie Phillips (MP): Hello. It's good to meet you, Pistola.

PWGAL: I'd offer you something to drink, but my guess is you can't have anything.

MP: I wouldn't mind a cup of coffee or tea or something.

PWGAL: Coffee? Tea? I'm not sure what those things are? Can you find those at a liquor store? Just kiddin', Ms. Phillips. (Signals at assistant to get MP a coffee).

MP: You know that I am a recovering drug addict? I never had a relationship with alcohol.

PWGAL: Right. Never had a relationship with alcohol? I'm not sure how that works. Can you help a sister out on that one?

MP: Well, my main drug of choice was cocaine. I always thought booze was for pussies. I like to shoot, snort, freebase cocaine. I don't fuck around with booze.

PWGAL: So, do you want a drink or don't you?

MP: No, but I'd take a syringe full of coke if you got one lying around. JUST KIDDING!

PWGAL: What's the policy on drinking around sober people?

MP: Doesn't bother me a bit. What are you drinking? Oh, Hamm's? I once drank a 12-pack of Hamm's, a fifth of Jim Beam, snorted about $300 worth of coke and shot six episodes of "One Day at a Time' all before noon. God, to be 21 again.

PWGAL: Seriously? I don't think most people could do that at 21 or at any age. That is some goddamn impressive shit, Mack. Can I call you Mack?

Mack: Sure, all my friends call me Mack. Yeah, back in the day I could put pretty much put anything into my body and survive.

PWGAL: Well, that leads us to our next question: you had sex with your dad. Can we talk about that?

Mack: Yep, my life is an open book.

PWGAL: What is it called when a husband cheats on his wife with his daughter?

Mack: Incest. It's called incest.

PWGAL: That word makes it sound so dirty.

Mack: Well, it's a pretty dirty thing. But I was on lots of drugs when it was happening as was my dad when it happened. I don't live for regrets, but it is a pretty hard fact to face.

PWGAL: Your dad is John Phillips from the rock band the Mamas and the Papas, right?

Mack: Fact.

PWGAL: Would you have still slept with your dad if he wasn't a super famous, rich rock star?

Mack: Umm...probably not, because if he wasn't a rock star he wouldn't have access to the drugs that led us down that road.

PWGAL: So, your sure it was a drug thing and wouldn't have happened if your dad was, accountant?

Mack: Probably not. An accountant probably wouldn't sleep with me.

PWGAL: Yeah, probably not me either.

Mack and PWGAL both sit silently looking at their hands for awhile.

PWGAL: How has your success with Wilson Phillips affected your life? And what are they doing now?

Mack: My sister Chynna was in Wilson Phillips, not me.

PWGAL: Oh, sorry. Bummer. I love Wilson Phillips. I figured maybe you and I could do a few acoustic songs by them together.

Mack: No chance. Chynna is looking for any opportunity to sue the pants off of me right now. She'd get me for copyright infringement or something.

PWGAL: C'mon. Let's just do 'Hold On' for a minute or so. No one reads this blog and won't even know you did it (Pistola hands Mack a guitar).

Mack: Okay, fine. God, it's hard for me to say no.

PWGAL: Well, if it was easy for you, we wouldn't be here, would we?

PWGAL and Mack break into a rousing version of 'Hold On'.

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way

Hold on for one more day,
Pistola Whipped

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Pistola hands out Oscars...


In light of all the Oscar hoopla happening right now, I thought I would smack you upside the head with Pistola's take on the Hollywood haps. Put your bifocals on because here is:

Pistola hosts her own Academy Award party...and you're invited!

Please folks, spare us the vintage gowns and more-expensive-than-your-house diamond necklaces. Not to worry-we don't judge you based on what eating disorder got you in that Dolce & Gabbana, we're more concerned with eating just enough to keep our Hanes Her Way looking good.

Now that we got the dress code taken care of, let's take a look at the nominations.

In the first category:
Actress that most resembles Pistola Whipped

1.) Angelina Jolie-Salt
I haven't actually seen this movie, but I get compared to Angelina all the time.

2.) Natalie Portman-Black Swan. I also haven't seen this movie. If I'm not getting mistaken for Angelina then it's invariably for Nat.

Moving on...

Best picture of 2010 based on how hot the leading actor is

1.) Mark Ruffalo-The Kids are All Right.

2.) These three guys from Inception. From left: Tommy from the TV show Third Rock from the Sun, the hot guy from The Departed and some other hot guy who may or may not have been in this movie because I'm not sure if I saw this movie or if it was a dream that was planted in my brain.

3.) Ryan Gosling in Blue Valentine.

Yeah, so what? He made out with a blow-up doll once. I'll tell ya this, readers, what RG does for Levi jeans in this movie is what Patrick Swayze did for the mullet in another Oscar-caliber flick: Roadhouse.

4.) Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart. Yes, I realize I'm a year late with this one, but I didn't actually see this movie until...yesterday?

An overweight, drunken, sad bastard gets my vote any day in the movies or in real life. Personally, I think that The Dude should be given some type of award every year.

And last but not least

Movies I want to see because the main character reminds me of my friends

1.) Nenette

And the friend that leaps to mind? Jenna!

Please post your picks.

Big shout-out to Smokey Jenz CMob for co-collaboratin'. Hopefully one day Gosling will pay you a visit.

Thanks for attending,
MC Pistola Whipped

Friday, January 21, 2011

Pistola admits to readers the most shameful of addictions...


How are you on this fine, cold winter night?

I'm well.


One thing that hasn't happened to me in 2011 is that I haven't lost my love for cheesy power pop songs.

In fact, just tonight, in a Amazon MP3 buying frenzy I bought more of it.

Pistola Whipped reveals her obsession with pop music:

It's no secret to the dedicated, almost cult-like fans of Pistola Whipped, that I have no real taste in music. My favorite band, after all, is Pearl Jam. But it goes deeper than that, dear readers. It encompasses those over-produced, hastily written pop songs you hear playing at your local mall and at, apparently, gas pumps.

PW loves that shit!

Whilst downloading even more of these songs to my iPod tonight I took a rather depressing scan of all the songs I downloaded in 2010.

Here they are (power pops ones):

Alicia Keys-Empire State of Mind
Pussycat Dolls-Don't Cha (have you listened to the lyrics? I think these are grown women singing them)
Mary J. Blige-Family Affair (or what I like to refer to as the Crunk song)

TLC-the entire catalog
Jordan Sparks-Battlefield
Beyonce-Halo (from the album she went all Garth Brooks on)
Justin Timberlake-Sexy Back
Kim Zolciak-Tardy for the Party
Lady Gaga-too many to list

and this is almost too painful to admit,

Kelly Clarkson-My Life Would Suck Without You

This is an abbreviated list, but revealing it to you makes me understand how Level III sex offenders probably feel when they have to introduce themselves to their neighbors.

Spin that record,
Pussycat Whiplarkson