Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I'm back! And I've got a bad case of DDSP...

Hello loyal reader(z) in this lonely battle we call life,

It's been awhile and I know what you're all asking: does blogging still exist? And probably also, will the war on terror ever end?

Actually, I don't the know the answers to either of those questions. But what I do know is that I've missed you all. I'd like to take a few long moments to fill you in on what I've been up this past year:

I got married.
I got a new cat named Bubbles.
I watched Mad Men. And like all bored Americans, I developed a fascination with Don Draper.

In fact, I went through a period of time that we shall call 'Don Draper Stalker Phase.' One of the craziest things I learned during DDSP was that Don Draper is actually played by a guy named Jon Hamm.

What? I know. I was shocked too.

Since Jon Hamm is of little to no interest to me, I decided to do something radical (or what my therapist calls living unrealistically). I had the busy offices of Pistola Gets a Life contact the office of Sterling Price Draper Lane, where Don works. I wanted to talk to the real Don Draper, and not some actor portraying him. With no further ado, please sit back and read:

Pistola Whipped Goes Old Fashioned with Don Draper: 

Pistola Whipped Gets a Life (PWGAL): Hello Don, I just wanted to get this on the record immediately, I'm not interested in sleeping with you.

Don Draper (DD): I would never sleep with you. You clearly have no self-respect.

PWGAL: Really? I was trying to play hard to get. I would totally sleep with you. Would you sleep with me now?

DD: No. Quit asking stupid questions.

PWGAL: Um. OK. There are many times when I'm watching an episode of Mad Men and I ask myself, 'why doesn't Don have an STD?' Do you have an STD or have you ever had an STD?

DD: That is a stupid question. Of course I don't have an STD.

PWGAL: Did you ever think you had one and then it turned out to be something else?

DD: What are you talking about? Of course not. You need to figure out what you want to ask me, ask it and then move on.

PWGAL: Well, that is actually kind of what I wanted to ask you about. If you're worried about having an STD and that's why you're refusing to sleep with me, let me the first to say, I don't care.

DD: This is a ridiculous line of questioning and I can't believe you are wasting our time asking them.

PWGAL: Well, we can revisit this later. I've tried to find you on Facebook several times, but you don't seem to have a profile. What gives?

DD: Facebook is for sexual degenerates who cannot function normally in this world. I would never, ever use Facebook.

PWGAL: LinkedIN?

DD: All that shit is for people who have no identity. No drive. No realistic view of society. 

PWGAL: What if I just gave you a call sometime?

DD: Only call me if you have something to offer me.

PWGAL: Like a telemarketer?

DD: Telemarketing is for ad agencies that have no creative ideas. How is a man with an Indian accent going to sell an air-conditioning repairman in Cincinnati car insurance? What else do you have?

PWGAL: I have these [Pistola points to her boobs].

DD: Now we're having a conversation that has substance. People need something tangible to hold onto.

PWGAL: You often cheat on your wife. What's your remorse level?

DD: Zero. Remorse is in the past. I only move forward.

PWGAL: What do I need to do in order for you to sleep with me?

DD: Be near someone else dying and collect their identity. I might consider it then.


Saturday, March 12, 2011

Long break leads to riveting things...


We meet again. My, you look wonderful. These past few months have treated you well, dear readers, and I'm happy to call all of you my friends.

A few developments have...well, developed since I last blogged. Let's take a look, shall we?

1.) My cat Macea is in renal failure and has been given four months to live. Naturally, I am depressed and reduced to a near catatonic (no pun intended) state over this. Me and this cat are so close it's almost like she is a mole on my body. Or I'm one of the white spots on her paw. (Yep, I'm that crazy cat lady). I'm not quite sure how I navigated life before her and I'm not sure how I'll proceed once she's gone. I always half-joked that I'd have her stuffed when she died, but now that half-joke just brings tears to my eyes. I'm not sure how I ever found that funny.

2.) On the lighter side, Pistola Whipped Gets a Life celebrated its two-year anniversary back on March 3. Recall my first riveting post was about Morissey, the freakishly popular British crooner with a Brillo pad for a hairdo? Take a stroll down memory lane here.

And this blog has not stopped being riveting since its inception. And I can make a promise to you dear reader, that it won't stop being riveting in the upcoming posts. What I can't promise is that I'll increase my frequency of said posts.

3.) I recently read 'High on Arrival' by Mackenzie Phillips for my biography/memoir book club.

Hmmm...where to start? More importantly, where to end? Let me just say I had no idea who Mackenzie Phillips was before reading this book. Her claim to fame, the TV sitcom 'One Day at a Time' (not to mention her sexual relationship with her dad) rings very few bells. I have vague recollections of my brother watching this show and the maintenance guy Schneider, but as they say in the blogging business, this show was 'before my time.'

This all changed, of course, when I read her tell-all memoir. Whoa! Where has she been all my life? Good ol' Mack really knows how to have a swingin' time. She shoots coke, ODs and still goes to work on the same day, has a sexual affair with her biological father, gets high during her pregnancy and lives to write a goddamn scandalous book about it all. Ba-da-da-da-duh-da I'm loving it.

I'm sure you can just about imagine my unparalleled happiness when I contacted her and she agreed to give us an interview.

Pistola goes Intravenous with Mackenzie Phillips

Pistola Whipped Gets a Life (PWGAL): Mackenzie Phillips, how are you?

Mackenzie Phillips (MP): Hello. It's good to meet you, Pistola.

PWGAL: I'd offer you something to drink, but my guess is you can't have anything.

MP: I wouldn't mind a cup of coffee or tea or something.

PWGAL: Coffee? Tea? I'm not sure what those things are? Can you find those at a liquor store? Just kiddin', Ms. Phillips. (Signals at assistant to get MP a coffee).

MP: You know that I am a recovering drug addict? I never had a relationship with alcohol.

PWGAL: Right. Never had a relationship with alcohol? I'm not sure how that works. Can you help a sister out on that one?

MP: Well, my main drug of choice was cocaine. I always thought booze was for pussies. I like to shoot, snort, freebase cocaine. I don't fuck around with booze.

PWGAL: So, do you want a drink or don't you?

MP: No, but I'd take a syringe full of coke if you got one lying around. JUST KIDDING!

PWGAL: What's the policy on drinking around sober people?

MP: Doesn't bother me a bit. What are you drinking? Oh, Hamm's? I once drank a 12-pack of Hamm's, a fifth of Jim Beam, snorted about $300 worth of coke and shot six episodes of "One Day at a Time' all before noon. God, to be 21 again.

PWGAL: Seriously? I don't think most people could do that at 21 or at any age. That is some goddamn impressive shit, Mack. Can I call you Mack?

Mack: Sure, all my friends call me Mack. Yeah, back in the day I could put pretty much put anything into my body and survive.

PWGAL: Well, that leads us to our next question: you had sex with your dad. Can we talk about that?

Mack: Yep, my life is an open book.

PWGAL: What is it called when a husband cheats on his wife with his daughter?

Mack: Incest. It's called incest.

PWGAL: That word makes it sound so dirty.

Mack: Well, it's a pretty dirty thing. But I was on lots of drugs when it was happening as was my dad when it happened. I don't live for regrets, but it is a pretty hard fact to face.

PWGAL: Your dad is John Phillips from the rock band the Mamas and the Papas, right?

Mack: Fact.

PWGAL: Would you have still slept with your dad if he wasn't a super famous, rich rock star?

Mack: Umm...probably not, because if he wasn't a rock star he wouldn't have access to the drugs that led us down that road.

PWGAL: So, your sure it was a drug thing and wouldn't have happened if your dad was, accountant?

Mack: Probably not. An accountant probably wouldn't sleep with me.

PWGAL: Yeah, probably not me either.

Mack and PWGAL both sit silently looking at their hands for awhile.

PWGAL: How has your success with Wilson Phillips affected your life? And what are they doing now?

Mack: My sister Chynna was in Wilson Phillips, not me.

PWGAL: Oh, sorry. Bummer. I love Wilson Phillips. I figured maybe you and I could do a few acoustic songs by them together.

Mack: No chance. Chynna is looking for any opportunity to sue the pants off of me right now. She'd get me for copyright infringement or something.

PWGAL: C'mon. Let's just do 'Hold On' for a minute or so. No one reads this blog and won't even know you did it (Pistola hands Mack a guitar).

Mack: Okay, fine. God, it's hard for me to say no.

PWGAL: Well, if it was easy for you, we wouldn't be here, would we?

PWGAL and Mack break into a rousing version of 'Hold On'.

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way

Hold on for one more day,
Pistola Whipped

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Pistola hands out Oscars...


In light of all the Oscar hoopla happening right now, I thought I would smack you upside the head with Pistola's take on the Hollywood haps. Put your bifocals on because here is:

Pistola hosts her own Academy Award party...and you're invited!

Please folks, spare us the vintage gowns and more-expensive-than-your-house diamond necklaces. Not to worry-we don't judge you based on what eating disorder got you in that Dolce & Gabbana, we're more concerned with eating just enough to keep our Hanes Her Way looking good.

Now that we got the dress code taken care of, let's take a look at the nominations.

In the first category:
Actress that most resembles Pistola Whipped

1.) Angelina Jolie-Salt
I haven't actually seen this movie, but I get compared to Angelina all the time.

2.) Natalie Portman-Black Swan. I also haven't seen this movie. If I'm not getting mistaken for Angelina then it's invariably for Nat.

Moving on...

Best picture of 2010 based on how hot the leading actor is

1.) Mark Ruffalo-The Kids are All Right.

2.) These three guys from Inception. From left: Tommy from the TV show Third Rock from the Sun, the hot guy from The Departed and some other hot guy who may or may not have been in this movie because I'm not sure if I saw this movie or if it was a dream that was planted in my brain.

3.) Ryan Gosling in Blue Valentine.

Yeah, so what? He made out with a blow-up doll once. I'll tell ya this, readers, what RG does for Levi jeans in this movie is what Patrick Swayze did for the mullet in another Oscar-caliber flick: Roadhouse.

4.) Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart. Yes, I realize I'm a year late with this one, but I didn't actually see this movie until...yesterday?

An overweight, drunken, sad bastard gets my vote any day in the movies or in real life. Personally, I think that The Dude should be given some type of award every year.

And last but not least

Movies I want to see because the main character reminds me of my friends

1.) Nenette

And the friend that leaps to mind? Jenna!

Please post your picks.

Big shout-out to Smokey Jenz CMob for co-collaboratin'. Hopefully one day Gosling will pay you a visit.

Thanks for attending,
MC Pistola Whipped

Friday, January 21, 2011

Pistola admits to readers the most shameful of addictions...


How are you on this fine, cold winter night?

I'm well.


One thing that hasn't happened to me in 2011 is that I haven't lost my love for cheesy power pop songs.

In fact, just tonight, in a Amazon MP3 buying frenzy I bought more of it.

Pistola Whipped reveals her obsession with pop music:

It's no secret to the dedicated, almost cult-like fans of Pistola Whipped, that I have no real taste in music. My favorite band, after all, is Pearl Jam. But it goes deeper than that, dear readers. It encompasses those over-produced, hastily written pop songs you hear playing at your local mall and at, apparently, gas pumps.

PW loves that shit!

Whilst downloading even more of these songs to my iPod tonight I took a rather depressing scan of all the songs I downloaded in 2010.

Here they are (power pops ones):

Alicia Keys-Empire State of Mind
Pussycat Dolls-Don't Cha (have you listened to the lyrics? I think these are grown women singing them)
Mary J. Blige-Family Affair (or what I like to refer to as the Crunk song)

TLC-the entire catalog
Jordan Sparks-Battlefield
Beyonce-Halo (from the album she went all Garth Brooks on)
Justin Timberlake-Sexy Back
Kim Zolciak-Tardy for the Party
Lady Gaga-too many to list

and this is almost too painful to admit,

Kelly Clarkson-My Life Would Suck Without You

This is an abbreviated list, but revealing it to you makes me understand how Level III sex offenders probably feel when they have to introduce themselves to their neighbors.

Spin that record,
Pussycat Whiplarkson

Friday, December 31, 2010

An interview with a vampire...


Right. The last blog post was a little on the serious side. Let me say one thing about that, I was drinking...heavily. And I was feeling a little blue. So, that's two things, but those two things are facts. And facts are what matters. I think.

Moving on...

I figured I'd Pistola Whip another blog post out before this year goes the way of the years of years past. End on a high note, tie up a few loose ends, mend some get the general drift.

It has come to the recent attention at the offices of Pistola Whipped that one of our dear readers and good friends has recently underwent some trials of the heart. In fact, her heart was ripped out of her chest (whilst beating), put on a train track, run through a garbage disposal, used as a shot put in Olympic try-outs and then tossed back into her chest cavity in an attempt to sustain several life systems.

In order to at least vaguely attempt to right this wrong, Pistola Whipped has really gone deep...deeper than ever before to find the correct elements that could possibly put some salve on our dear reader's deep wound.

Here is Pistola Whipped's attempt at the impossible...

Edward Cullen (from Twilight) interviews Gilligan (from Gilligan's Island)

Edward Cullen (EC): Gilligan, pleasure to meet you.

Gilligan (G): It's actually Bob Denver. How did you do this? I'm dead.

EC: Okay, Bob Denver...Gilligan. I have no idea who you are either way. As far as you being dead, I'm a vampire. I can talk to the dead. That's what we do.

G: A vampire? Right.

EC: Yes, I'm a vampire for a very popular book and motion picture series called Twilight. What elusive, wondrous creature are you to not know who I am?

G: I'm a dead creature. Remember? I died back in 2005.

EC: And how is being dead work for you? Do you miss how your heart swells and pressurizes hot blood through your thirsty veins?

G: Given that I went through quadruple bypass surgery to correct that very issue, no. Being dead is pretty lame. Kinda boring. I spend a lot of time smoking pot.

EC: Being dead for me is like a frequency, a hum of consciousness that operates at a different pitch.

G: You're a strange and intense little man.

EC: I've been told that before. In fact, I'm often compared to the director Jean-Luc Godard.

G: Never heard of him. I mainly worked with Sherwood Schwartz.

EC: Hmmm...what is your philosophy on love?

G: I'd guess I'd have to say, all we need is love. The Beatles said it best, I guess.

EC: Mine is that I'm happy with the death I have, but I do not have a margin to let just anyone come into my life.

G: Not really changing my opinion that you're kind of a ball of nerves there buddy. You could use a nice vacation on a desert island with a few beautiful women and some hammocks.

EC: No, I fancy dark brews while reading a book from a stack of books I have at my disposal in a dark corner of some trendy restaurant. Such an approach can only lead to satisfaction. I need to act on what is immediately available to me, I reckon.

G: Suit yourself, buddy. But with that attitude your eternity might last longer than mind.

Interview abruptly ends.

And that is what Pistola has to offer for the heartbroken and the downtrodden. Look with clear eyes and open hearts into the new year, even if it's through the bottom of a bottle.

May god have mercy on your souls.

Pistola Whipped '10

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Thoughs of mortality on a Saturday night...

Good evening,

The night is a Saturday. The month December. The year is 2010.

I am 32 years old. Childless. Daughter to all or none or some. Single according to the government.

My backyard resembles a yard that a crater came shooting out of the night sky and sent snow flying into solid banks that encircle the patio. And that is where I lay. I don't feel the cold because I am not in a feeling mood. I stare up at the sky. There are stars, but they are faded and distant. If I were in California they would probably be magnificent and I could hang a dream or two on them. But here in Minnesota they are remote. Aloof. Dream free. They are winking at me. And I take it as an invitation to battle. Me vs. the stars.

Thoughts come rushing at me, it's like I'm not thinking them, but someone is throwing them at my brain like a bar dart. Aiming for the bulls eye, but hitting the peripheral instead. That bulls eye is protected like a national treasure.

Still laying here on the patio. Probably under this brick and this layer of clay and our plumbing and our foundation and then under this won't grow-a-fucking-thing soil are bones. I can see the bones like I can see the stars: dark matter and then a glowing light repeated like it's sewed into a quilt.

One day we will all be bones...or ashes, depending on your wishes. We go into the ground or on your mantel or scattered over a place you think matters to you. And those stars just keep on blinking. In one blink you're here and then you're not. Those bones are there with a steady stare. One big bone yard this country. Perhaps those bones will produce something that wars will be fought over one day. It doesn't matter to them because they are just watching, keeping time. They know we will join them soon. The stars just keep on winking, because they know the answer to the riddle and we lay on our patios trying to distract ourselves from the very thing that will kill us in the end.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Pistola goes south of the border in honor of Thanksgiving and Eva Longoria


How was your Thanksgiving?

If you want to know how mine was email me personally. Or don't. I don't care.

I had a few days off for Thanksgiving so I decided to secure a celebrity interview while I was away from the office. It was hard to find someone relevant, interesting and available on such an important holiday, so I decided to head south of the border where they don't celebrate Thanksgiving (I think). Yes, dear readers, instead of spending time with my family engaging in such familial traditions as sloth and gluttony, I went to el Mexico.

Pistola sits down for turkey dinner with Eva Longoria Parker (oops! should we still call her that?)

Pistola Whipped Gets a Life (PWGAL): Eva Longoria Parker! How in la hell are you? How is your show: the Real Housewives?

Eva Longoria Parker (ELP): Oh fine. Thanks. I am now going as just Eva Longoria and my show is actually Desperate Housewives.

PWGAL: Why did you drop the Parker? And yes! Desperate Housewives! That seems so much more fitting than Real Housewives.

Eva Longoria (EL): Ahem. Well, yes. I'm getting a divorce from Tony Parker.

PWGAL: Why would you divorce him? He's a hot piece of ass. And rich.

EL: He was cheating on me. You haven't heard? It's all over the press.

PWGAL: The only press I read is Midwest Fishing.

EL: Well, he was caught sexting another woman. Wouldn't you leave your husband if he cheated on you?

PWGAL: I'm not sure. I probably wouldn't be in that predicament because who would cheat on this? [Pistola pulls down sweatpants to reveal a pair of SPANX].

EL: Um, I thought this interview was supposed to be about my Mexican heritage?

PWGAL: OLE, senorita! Hold your horses! We'll get to that. What were we discussing before you interrupted me?...Tony cheating on you? So how is sexting cheating on you again?

EL: Sending images of your genitals and sexual suggestions via text isn't cheating?

PWGAL: Hell no. That's normal communication. What else is texting for? I send sexual suggestions out to my entire contact list at least cinco times a day.

EL: Well, that's disgusting.

PWGAL: Moving on then, is Thanksgiving sad this year now that your husband left you?

EL: No, it's not sad. I'm spending time with my family and friends. And for the record, I left Tony.

PWGAL: Eva, you don't have to be act so tough on this blog interview. Virtually no one reads it. Come on, remember back to when you and Tony were just starting off? What about all those years you spent together? Don't they mean anything now?

EL: Tony and I met about three years ago. What would you like to ask me about my Mexican heritage?

PWGAL: Right. Right. Do you know Antonio Banderas?

EL: I know him. He's Spanish though.

PWGAL: Is he single?

EL: No. He's married to Melanie Griffith.

PWGAL: Have you ever sexted him?

EL: NO! What else do you want to ask because I'm about to leave, you disgusting bitch.

PWGAL: Do you have that temper because you're a Mexican?

EL: Get me the hell out of here!

PWGAL: WAIT! One more question. Would it be weird if I asked you for Tony's phone number?

EL: Throws microphone at Pistola's head and leaves interview.

And there is Pistola's contribution to your Thanksgiving celebration.

De Nada,
La Pistola Whippedalez