The difference between the Jamily and The Family

Hello,

How's your week been?

As most of my dear reader(s) don’t know because of its almost total irrelevance to modern society, Pearl Jam released a new album last week. I've listened to the album about 17 times in the past week; it's called Backspacer and is fairly solid and I’m only about half deaf.

The pure fact is I love Pearl Jam. Inarguably; my love is truly for Eddie Vedder. However a basic love for their music has become a side product. The truth is I’ve actually come to appreciate nearly a third of their musical catalogue.

I’m not going to bore you, dear reader(s), with the long and uninteresting story of how I became such an ardent fan of Pearl Jam because, like you, it involves a boy, angst and checkered blue and red flannel.

What sets me apart from the others is that I’ve stayed true. I've went on to unofficially join the Jamily: Pearl Jam's cult-like following that would follow their dear leader into the driest, sandiest stretches of the American desert after a purposeless, mass killing.

Yep, I stuck around after Ten and liked it. While the rest of you went on to more mature musical landscapes created by hip, artsy bands like Radiohead, Modest Mouse and MGMT…that kept their fans attractively at bay, I stayed put. This odd habit of loyalty has often fucked me in other areas of my life…namely with men, but still it persists.

Fortunately for me and Pistola's reader(s) it finally paid out and I was able to score an interview with Teddie Vedder! Of course we all know him as the lead singer of the cover band Can’t Find a Better Band.

Pistola Whipped Gets a Life: Hi Teddie!

Teddie Vedder: Die bitch.

PWGAL: Is that a swastika on your forehead?

T.V.: Suck it, cuntwhore.

PWGAL: Wow. You look a lot more like Charles Manson than Eddie Vedder.






T.V.: That fucking communist pig Vedder has a swastika on his forehead.

PWGAL: Ah, no he doesn't. Those lines are from furrowing his brows together because of his deep concern over the human condition.

Teddie Vedder just rocks silently in his chair.

PWGAL: No, really. I mean that swastika on your forehead looks like the one Charles Manson has. I think I would know how Eddie's forehead swastika looks.

TV: Once I carve your eyeballs out of your whore head you wouldn't know what a swastika looked like if it was carved on your vagina.

PWGAL: Wow. You're really being a big jerk. You know Eddie Vedder is responsible for such sensitive hits as, 'Wishlist', 'Daughter' and 'Can't Find a Better Man'? For someone impersonating him you'd think you'd be a bit more in tune to a lady interviewer.

Once again, Teddie Vedder just looks at Pistola while rocking in his chair.

PWGAL: Um, okay. Moving on…what inspired you to start a Pearl Jam cover band?

T.V.: Pearl Jam gets a lot of pussy. I don’t get much of that where I'm living. I NEED PUSSY!

PWGAL: Not an answer Eddie Vedder would give at all, but okay. What song of Pearl Jam’s do you perform that gets the most applause from the crowd?

T.V.: DIE PIGS! [raises hands in air. Pistola notices handcuffs wrapped around Teddie's wrists for the first time.]

PWGAL: I’m not familiar with that song. What album could I find that on?

T.V.: How about you get on your knees, suck my dick right now and you'll find it! Helter Skelter!!

PWGAL: Okay. I’m pretty much sure Eddie Vedder wouldn't ever say that. You're Charles Manson pretending to be Eddie Vedder, which is just gross. Does Eddie Vedder know you’re impersonating him?

Charles Manson: I am fucking Eddie Vedder. I am fucking Teddie Vedder. I am fucking the Anti-Christ. Little girl, you are going to get your asshole ripped out of your pig mouth and then I'm going to shove it in your bitch-ass Sharon Tate vagina.

PWGAL: Okay. That confirms it. You're pretty much Charles Manson. Anyway, do you know Eddie Vedder?

Prison guards dragging Charles Manson off the interview site.

So, that interview wasn't as successful as it could have been. I guess I should read between the lines when responding to ads in the back of the National Enquirer.

Until then I remain,
Prisonola Whipped