Thursday, March 26, 2009

Cold slash The Hills slash Cat Lady


That was me using hyphens and extra letters to indicate how cold it is in Minneapolis today.

Kinda like b-r-r-r-r-r....and kinda like the cold makes me surly, mean and lame.

It's fucking cold.

Two thoughts crossed my mind today, which is a lot for me. If you don't mind, Mom, I'm gonna spit them out so I can go on with my day. I don't think I can fully enjoy season 2 of Dexter properly with any sort of thinking going on...

List of things Pistola needs to do tonight:
1. Watch Dexter season 2

K. I digress. Lists. Dexter. Thoughts.

Thought I:

Lucinda Williams wrote a song called "Minneapolis" and recorded it. This song is great. Mom, you should download it on iTunes insta-style. My friend and co-worker Jen talked about the song today and I made words like 'heart' and 'cherish' come out of my mouth to explain how I feel about that song. I heart Minneapolis the song. The actual city can suck it. I'm just kidding, MPLS. I just meant for today. I take it back! I normally heart you too. Don't snow 2 feet tonight and impound my car.

Jesus. This city is a ball-breaker.

Thought II:

The thought-provoking (as evidenced in the thoughts that were provoked in me) and revolutionary MTV show "The Hills" resumes on Monday, April 6. I will still be 30 when the first episode of the new season astounds and stupifies us all. I will be 31 by the time the next episode airs a week later. Can I be grandfathered in so I can watch the remainder of the season without feeling like a loser/phony/freak/cat lady? Or am I already past that point? Perhaps I am already those things because I simply watch "The Hills". Or maybe I was those things before I started watching "The Hills". Oh, the thoughts that are happening. OMG. I think tomorrow's post will be Pistola Whipped is ashamed because of the previous day's post.


Off to crawl into bed.

Cat Lady

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Remembrance of Prior Blogs/Down with Poppy...



I forgot that my very second post on Pistola Whipped gets a life was a bit. So, sit right back folk(s) as we take a stroll down the blogger lane of blogger bits.

Recall many, many, many weeks ago to March 3 when I busted Pistola Whipped gets a life onto the world. I've really shaken things up On Here, and by On Here, I mean Earth.

The first and by far the deepest bit on PWGAL was called Pistola Whipped gets a life by cutting down others. Morrissey was the big winner (or loser). I've found it most depressing that Morrissey has probably made enough money to buy a Brillo Pad factory since I posted that bit. Alas, the woe that is me in my Morrissey-inspired velvet smoking jacket.

But, as they say in the business, that's simply how the blogging cookie crumbles.

Fast forward to tonight whilst watching the British movie 'Happy-Go-Lucky'. I was so disturbed by the main character, Poppy, that I decided to crown the second person in Pistola Whipped gets a life by cutting down others...

What disturbed me the most was the little suck-in, inhalation noise Poppy made after she laughed. And she laughed through the whole goddamn movie.

Here's what I imagine the script for 'Happy-Go-Lucky' looked like:

Scene I

Masochistic Driving Instructor: Poppy, you're a fucking bitch-ass wanker. I hate your fucking stupid guts.

Poppy: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, weird suck-in inhalation noise, ha, ha, ha.

Masochistic Driving Instructor: Poppy, I stalked you and your fucking wanker boyfriend and now I'm going to strangle your fucking neck.

Poppy: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, weird suck-in inhalation noise, ha, ha, ha.

I think that movie won a Golden Globe. And by won a Golden Globe, I mean bought a Golden Globe with the money Poppy made from endorsing Breathe Right strips post-production.

Pistola Wankered

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Porcupines and Home Ownership

Hello Fellow Humans and Porcupines,

How are you today?

Once again I had to pull crusty, yellowed Pistola Whipped gets a life from my backseat and resurrect it to its former glory, prestige and mediocrity. Not an easy task, mind you...but with today's crisp, clean, Midwestern air blowing into my rotting lungs, I was faced with no other choice.

While I was digging around in my backseat today, tossing empty Funyon bags and plastic earring cards devoid of their 1992 earring splendor away, I realized there is a stark difference between this post and last Friday's post: Pistola became a home-owner.

I think that I may have moved a step in the right direction to finding a life.

Here are the questions I have so far:

1.) How am I going to pay for said house?
2.) Will I actually be able to tune Channel 45 in at my house?
3.) How will my crappy belongings look in my nice, new house?
4.) Will my friend Jennee Dalager give me a member of a crystal porcupine family as a house-warming gift?
5.) If so, what family member?
6.) Will my cats get along with it?
7.) How do I clean crystal, especially crystal with quills?

Hopefully I will find those answers, perhaps with the help from my dear reader(s).

At any rate, I am moving into my house with a person some people refer to as my boyfriend. We have this thing we call a relationship. We figured instead of piling up more and more of our junk in a space we rent, we should just do it in a place we owe lots of money on for the rest of our lives.

Why not?

The excitement is there regarding this whole home ownership thing: tangible, real, scary and big. I've always lived this life thinking I would own a home, be involved in a lovely and messy relationship, have a career, perhaps start a family...ya know, become an adult, but instead I've always just screwed things up. I make a wrong choice or make no choice at all and all just kinda passes me by. And now here I am, engaging in my own life. It's weird.

Somebody! Stick me with a porcupine quill to wake me up.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Loverboy really knows how to sum up life

Well, how-do-you-do strangers?

Friday finally came. I truly can't believe it. During the course of this week I managed to offend one of my best friends, slug through a Minnesota snowstorm, almost hit a bike rider, invest all my savings in Rax fast-food restaurants only to lose it and find out that a crystal porcupine family set costs roughly $500.

One could say that's a busy week. Pistola, one could go on to say, you deserve several dangerously cold ones...

So, let's crack right into the first one here on Pistola Whipped gets a life: 2-4-1s.


Everybody's workin' for the weekend...
Everybody wants a little romance...
Everybody's goin' off the deep end...
Everybody needs a second chance

Why would I try to write anything better when those Canadian cut-ups Loverboy already wrote it best?!

And number two:

Had to do it! Now go out and make Loverboy proud!


Thursday, March 12, 2009

Apology leads to break-up to restoration of friendship


The news I'm about to write about will probably shock all the loyal fans (Mom, it's good to have you back) of Pistola Whipped gets a life.

Do you remember Jennee Dalager? She was crowned yesterday's winner of Pistola Whipped gets a life by wanting to be this person(s)? Think of a Statement Headband...yes, her.

After I sent her 40 texts reminding her to check my blog she finally did and she texted me this, 'Hmmmm...I don't think I like you very much anymore!'

I'm not really sure what to do with this information. One of the voices in my head is saying, 'take the blog post down, Pistola, until you can talk with Jennee headband to headband'. Another voice is saying, 'what does poor Pistola have to worry about? Jennee can't kick my ass, she lives 100 miles away'. And yet another voice is saying, 'invest in Rax fast-food restaurant stock'. Strangely, all these voices resemble the voice of Jennee's spiritual advisor.

In any voice, I feel it's my responsibility to apologize to Jennee. So, here it is...a whole new Pistola Whipped bit. We shall call it Pistola Whipped apologizes to people she has offended...

Jennee, I am sorry.

Since I can't swing over and snap your headband to show you how sorry I am, this lovely picture of children doing penance for things like having fun and watching TV will have to do.

I'm logging off to say my Hail Marys.


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Porcupine Family and Headbands


Wow! I've learned a vitally important lesson: it is really easy to throw Pistola Whipped gets a life into the backseat and forget about it while it gets all crusty and yellowed. I had no idea I would shun this blog so fast. I will try to do better.


Thanks to all (or none) of you who have checked in on Pistola Whipped gets a life despite my absence. Don't worry, I could definitely feel you as your rubbed your temples whilst chanting, 'come back', 'come back'. Truth be told, I've acted on that feeling before and it turned out people were actually wanting Rax fast food restaurants to come back. I'll admit, this blog is no comparison for a Rax roast beef sandwich.

It is Wednesday and in the long traditions of Wednesdays here at Pistola Whipped gets a life it is time to unveil this week's Pistola Whipped gets a life by wanting to be this person(s)...

Jennee 'Porcupine Family' Dalager! She's the chick on the left. I have no idea who the chick on the right is. If I were a gambling woman, I'd lay money on spiritual advisor or imaginary friend.

Either way, Dalager will soon be heiress to an expensive, unique and carefully preserved collection of crystal figurines and Precious Moments statuettes. Who wouldn't want those collections?

It may not be apparent from the above photo, but Jennee 'PF' Dalager can rock a headband like it's nobody's business, except perhaps, Sinead O'Conner's.

Here is an example of the Statement Headband Jennee's been stylin' lately. Notice the model is also wearing scrubs or a scrub-type top. Jennee often wears those too.

Rare, special collections and the ability to sport such a stylish headband are only two of the many (ten) reasons I crown Jennee 'Vertical Smile' Dalager as this week's Pistola Whipped gets a life by wanting to be this person(s). Jennee is also funny, smart, kind, loyal, generous, super fun, good-looking and easy!

Way to go Jennee!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Sober wagon leads to 2-4-1s...


So, I skipped a day. So what?

Midnight Toker really took the wind outta my blogging sails with his slander and half-truths (my assistant is really my Mom and who doesn't yell at their Mom from time to time?) on his shameless, unpopular blog. Check it out here:

In order to make up for it, dear reader(s), (sorry 'bout Wednesday, Mom), I am going to offer up on Pistola Whipped gets a life one of my great, favorite American pastimes...2-4-1s.

Lamely, I put myself up on the ol' Sober Wagon after last week's five-day bender in which I lost my dignity, self-esteem and virginity (they say you gain it back if you don't do it after seven years). And yes, I'm lying...I never truly had any of those qualities at the start of the bender (except the virginity). Nevertheless, the bender took a toll on my mental, emotional and physical health. So, here I sit unable to attend a happy hour with my co-workers and instead of slugging twenty pairs of dangerously cold, casual ones I am going to cheaply replace them with 2-4-1s on Pistola Whipped gets a life.


The first foamy delight is Pistola Whipped would be complete if she was dating this celebrity...

What else can I say? Unfortunately I'm not dating Paul Rudd and even more unfortunately I'm blacklisted from interviewing any celebrities for my blog (Mom, please gimme back my phone privileges). So, I could make up an interview with Paul Rudd, but that would be lying and all my reader(s) know I'm an extremely honest individual.

Okay, now that I'm pretty much wasted drunk, let's start sipping on the next tasty tall one...

Pistola Whipped gets a life by replacing love with this...

Sorry. Had to do it. And now I've convinced myself to hop off this rickety wagon and go indulge in a frosty mug. I need love after all!

Peace out.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Pistola questions blog, finds answers with Salt-n-Pepa...


So, in case you're wondering, day number two of Pistola Whipped gets a life hasn't brought me any closer to getting a life. Uninterestingly enough, if the distance between me and getting a life was somehow measurable, I believe I would be farther away than yesterday. Perhaps creating a blog isn't the solution to getting a life. Maybe I should just throw in the blog towel, call it a blog day, quit kicking a dead blog, etc.

But I'm not going to sit here and bore all/both of my readerz with a carefully constructed plea for encouragement and validation. NO! I'm only 75% that kind of person.

Instead, I'm going to soldier on in my quest to get a life by unveiling yet another bit. We shall call it Pistola Whipped gets a life by wanting to be like this person(s). And here is a picture of the first installment...

Awwwww....shit! That's right...Salt-n-Pepa! Girls?! What's my weakness? MEN! (and Funyons).

So, here I was chillin', chillin', mindin' my bizness, when Salt-n-Pepa showed up to answer a few questions from ol' Pistola Whipped.

PW: Hey Salt. What's up, Pepa?
SnP: Hey. Holla. Who are you again?
PW: Only your #1 fan! I once broke my ankle at a Y dance doing the 'Shoop'.
SnP: That's sad.
PW: Who was your fashion inspiration circa 1992?
SnP: We are really trying to embrace the present, ya know? We're reality stars now.
PW: So, you wouldn't know where I can get a pair of those earrings your rockin' in the photo above, would you?
SnP: Yo, this girl's a big dork. We're out. Peace.

Push that! Salt-n-Pepa stopped by this blog. I think I'm in the lead for the Most Popular Blog contest (take that Midnight Toker)! All right, I gotta dip. I need to update my look to Salt-n-Pepa c. 1992.


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Blogging is a Competition slash Morrissey wins...

I know I just started this blog called Pistola Whipped gets a life so I should really go easy on topics like art, music, politics and preference of vase vs. vaas pronunciation. These topics can really alienate and polarize people. If I say something that someone doesn't agree with on Pistola Whipped gets a life then they may not re-visit my blog and then I won't win the Who has the Most Popular Blog competition.

That being said, the point of blogging is to win, right? Or am I totally way off?

K. K. I'm just kiddin'. The point of blogging is to alienate people by sounding off on the blogger's own, special opinions, so I thought I'd just dive right in and start pissing off all my readers (big shout out to Nayana and Mom, both/all my readerz). Please leave comments as I think that is how the Most Popular Blog competition is determined.

In order to really get things crackin' and smackin' I'm gonna roll out my very own weekly bit right here and right now. It shall be named: Pistola Whipped gets a life by cutting down others.

Let me speak candidly for a blogger minute, this weekly bit is very important in the process of Pistola Whipped getting a life. It's important because most of the people I will identify in Pistola Whipped gets a life by cutting down others will be more successful, better looking, smarter and all-around more likeable than me. People I need to emulate in order to get a life and now I will have a diainternetry to refer to in order to do just that. Perfect! And all/both readerz will get to see it too! Luckies!

Allright...are you ready, Mom? I mean, readers? This week's person in Pistola Whipped gets a life by cutting down others: MORRISSEY! (I know you're still applauding from stumbling upon this blog, so keep it up...KEEP IT UP!)

The Carling Weekend: Reading Festival - Saturday

If I knew that using a Brillo pad for a pompadour and wearing Gramps' old, velvet smoking jacket would have been fashionable whilst crooning/whining drivel like 'I'm throwing my arms around Paris' I would have done it, too.

Way to go, Morrissey! You're successful, better looking, smart (smarmy) and a lot of people like you. And you're this week's Pistola Whipped gets a life by cutting down others pick.

A lifetime achievement to be sure.

Life on the Internet...

Because I lack a life I figured creating a blog would be the fastest, most successful way of finding one. And then I can know what it means when people talk about things like going out for coffee or having friends.

Watch out Inter Wide I come!

I'm gonna find a life on this here blog and for those of you who read it or stumble haphazardly upon it because of searching words like maladaptive, drunkard, LABIA (majora or minora) or hymen first broke at age 21... then you're going to help me, so thanks. Kinda.