Clap your hands say what...

Hello,

I am an American citizen.

I, like you, take my American rights seriously. And tonight we get to honor our American right to watch the State of the Union address on TV. Naturally I would watch the State of the Union even if it weren’t on every channel on TV, I think.

So, tonight we as a collective American people will sit on our chaise lounges and Barcaloungers and watch as President Barack Obama delivers his first freedom speech since taking office.

One thing I’ve noticed from year to year is that no matter whom the president, the viewing audience always claps after every sentence he says. I started to wonder this year, ‘who is the person responsible to keep the crowd energetic enough to keep clapping after every word the Prez says?’

In order to find out, I started a letter writing campaign. I wrote the White House. I wrote Hillary Clinton. I wrote Mario Lopez’s fan club. Oh wait, that was more of a personal matter. I never did get any responses, so I simply typed in ‘Who is the person responsible to keep the crowd energetic enough to keep clapping after every word the Prez says?’ And I still didn’t get any answers. So, I asked the Universe and found the guy.

With no further ado, Pistola Whipped shoots the breeze with State of the Union Address Audience Clap Guy.

Pistola Whipped (PW): Hello there [gives a big round of applause]!
Audience Clap Guy (ASG): You’re doing that all wrong.
PW: What?
ACG: Clapping. You’re clapping wrong [starts clapping].
PW: Really? That looks exactly like what I was just doing.
ACG: No, you had it all wrong.
PW: Okay. Well, thanks for the lesson. I suppose you should know. You’re the professional.
ACG: That’s right. I should know and I do know.
PW: Moving on. How did you know that you wanted to be the guy who gets an audience to clap?
ACG: Well, actually I just switch on a light that says, ‘APPLAUSE’ and then the audience kinda does the rest.
PW: You mean you flip on a light and the audience just does the rest?
ACG: Yeah, basically. I think that’s what I just said.
PW: So, you’re not behind the scenes mooning the audience or doing shadow puppets? It’s merely just flashing on a sign that says, ‘APPLAUSE’?
ACG: You hit the nail right on the head, missy.
PW: Even during the State of the Union address? You’re flashing an ‘APPLAUSE’ sign?
ACG: Oh yeah. They have a top notch one. Runs on nuclear energy. Real state of the art, if you know what I mean. Not even a switch on this one, just a big red button remotely hooked up to the sign. You don’t find that kind of apparatus on ‘American’s Funniest Videos’.
PW: Let me get this straight. You’re sitting near the president pushing a big red button that doesn’t look like it’s hooked up to anything? That doesn’t pose a security risk?
ACG: Nah, me and presidential security go way back. They know that after I got out of the pen the last time I put my criminal past behind me.
PW: You're a criminal?
ACG: Reformed. Now I'm in the business of Crowd Enthusiasm.
[A man in a black suit comes over to talk to ACG.]
ACG: Sorry. I gotta run. I have to go and do thumb calisthenics. It can be pretty draining to have to push that button down nearly 300 times in three hours.
PW: All right. See ya.

And that's it. I thought that the politicians had that much zest for the Presidential State of the Union address, but as it turns out, they are just duped by some phony sign.



Yours very truly,
Pistola Clapped