How was your Thanksgiving?
If you want to know how mine was email me personally. Or don't. I don't care.
I had a few days off for Thanksgiving so I decided to secure a celebrity interview while I was away from the office. It was hard to find someone relevant, interesting and available on such an important holiday, so I decided to head south of the border where they don't celebrate Thanksgiving (I think). Yes, dear readers, instead of spending time with my family engaging in such familial traditions as sloth and gluttony, I went to el Mexico.
Pistola sits down for turkey dinner with Eva Longoria Parker (oops! should we still call her that?)
Pistola Whipped Gets a Life (PWGAL): Eva Longoria Parker! How in la hell are you? How is your show: the Real Housewives?
Eva Longoria Parker (ELP): Oh fine. Thanks. I am now going as just Eva Longoria and my show is actually Desperate Housewives.
PWGAL: Why did you drop the Parker? And yes! Desperate Housewives! That seems so much more fitting than Real Housewives.
Eva Longoria (EL): Ahem. Well, yes. I'm getting a divorce from Tony Parker.
PWGAL: Why would you divorce him? He's a hot piece of ass. And rich.
EL: He was cheating on me. You haven't heard? It's all over the press.
PWGAL: The only press I read is Midwest Fishing.
EL: Well, he was caught sexting another woman. Wouldn't you leave your husband if he cheated on you?
PWGAL: I'm not sure. I probably wouldn't be in that predicament because who would cheat on this? [Pistola pulls down sweatpants to reveal a pair of SPANX].
EL: Um, I thought this interview was supposed to be about my Mexican heritage?
PWGAL: OLE, senorita! Hold your horses! We'll get to that. What were we discussing before you interrupted me?...Tony cheating on you? So how is sexting cheating on you again?
EL: Sending images of your genitals and sexual suggestions via text isn't cheating?
PWGAL: Hell no. That's normal communication. What else is texting for? I send sexual suggestions out to my entire contact list at least cinco times a day.
EL: Well, that's disgusting.
PWGAL: Moving on then, is Thanksgiving sad this year now that your husband left you?
EL: No, it's not sad. I'm spending time with my family and friends. And for the record, I left Tony.
PWGAL: Eva, you don't have to be act so tough on this blog interview. Virtually no one reads it. Come on, remember back to when you and Tony were just starting off? What about all those years you spent together? Don't they mean anything now?
EL: Tony and I met about three years ago. What would you like to ask me about my Mexican heritage?
PWGAL: Right. Right. Do you know Antonio Banderas?
EL: I know him. He's Spanish though.
PWGAL: Is he single?
EL: No. He's married to Melanie Griffith.
PWGAL: Have you ever sexted him?
EL: NO! What else do you want to ask because I'm about to leave, you disgusting bitch.
PWGAL: Do you have that temper because you're a Mexican?
EL: Get me the hell out of here!
PWGAL: WAIT! One more question. Would it be weird if I asked you for Tony's phone number?
EL: Throws microphone at Pistola's head and leaves interview.
And there is Pistola's contribution to your Thanksgiving celebration.
La Pistola Whippedalez