Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I'm back! And I've got a bad case of DDSP...

Hello loyal reader(z) in this lonely battle we call life,

It's been awhile and I know what you're all asking: does blogging still exist? And probably also, will the war on terror ever end?

Actually, I don't the know the answers to either of those questions. But what I do know is that I've missed you all. I'd like to take a few long moments to fill you in on what I've been up this past year:

I got married.
I got a new cat named Bubbles.
I watched Mad Men. And like all bored Americans, I developed a fascination with Don Draper.

In fact, I went through a period of time that we shall call 'Don Draper Stalker Phase.' One of the craziest things I learned during DDSP was that Don Draper is actually played by a guy named Jon Hamm.

What? I know. I was shocked too.

Since Jon Hamm is of little to no interest to me, I decided to do something radical (or what my therapist calls living unrealistically). I had the busy offices of Pistola Gets a Life contact the office of Sterling Price Draper Lane, where Don works. I wanted to talk to the real Don Draper, and not some actor portraying him. With no further ado, please sit back and read:

Pistola Whipped Goes Old Fashioned with Don Draper: 

Pistola Whipped Gets a Life (PWGAL): Hello Don, I just wanted to get this on the record immediately, I'm not interested in sleeping with you.

Don Draper (DD): I would never sleep with you. You clearly have no self-respect.

PWGAL: Really? I was trying to play hard to get. I would totally sleep with you. Would you sleep with me now?

DD: No. Quit asking stupid questions.

PWGAL: Um. OK. There are many times when I'm watching an episode of Mad Men and I ask myself, 'why doesn't Don have an STD?' Do you have an STD or have you ever had an STD?

DD: That is a stupid question. Of course I don't have an STD.

PWGAL: Did you ever think you had one and then it turned out to be something else?

DD: What are you talking about? Of course not. You need to figure out what you want to ask me, ask it and then move on.

PWGAL: Well, that is actually kind of what I wanted to ask you about. If you're worried about having an STD and that's why you're refusing to sleep with me, let me the first to say, I don't care.

DD: This is a ridiculous line of questioning and I can't believe you are wasting our time asking them.

PWGAL: Well, we can revisit this later. I've tried to find you on Facebook several times, but you don't seem to have a profile. What gives?

DD: Facebook is for sexual degenerates who cannot function normally in this world. I would never, ever use Facebook.

PWGAL: LinkedIN?

DD: All that shit is for people who have no identity. No drive. No realistic view of society. 

PWGAL: What if I just gave you a call sometime?

DD: Only call me if you have something to offer me.

PWGAL: Like a telemarketer?

DD: Telemarketing is for ad agencies that have no creative ideas. How is a man with an Indian accent going to sell an air-conditioning repairman in Cincinnati car insurance? What else do you have?

PWGAL: I have these [Pistola points to her boobs].

DD: Now we're having a conversation that has substance. People need something tangible to hold onto.

PWGAL: You often cheat on your wife. What's your remorse level?

DD: Zero. Remorse is in the past. I only move forward.

PWGAL: What do I need to do in order for you to sleep with me?

DD: Be near someone else dying and collect their identity. I might consider it then.



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