Friday, December 31, 2010

An interview with a vampire...


Right. The last blog post was a little on the serious side. Let me say one thing about that, I was drinking...heavily. And I was feeling a little blue. So, that's two things, but those two things are facts. And facts are what matters. I think.

Moving on...

I figured I'd Pistola Whip another blog post out before this year goes the way of the years of years past. End on a high note, tie up a few loose ends, mend some get the general drift.

It has come to the recent attention at the offices of Pistola Whipped that one of our dear readers and good friends has recently underwent some trials of the heart. In fact, her heart was ripped out of her chest (whilst beating), put on a train track, run through a garbage disposal, used as a shot put in Olympic try-outs and then tossed back into her chest cavity in an attempt to sustain several life systems.

In order to at least vaguely attempt to right this wrong, Pistola Whipped has really gone deep...deeper than ever before to find the correct elements that could possibly put some salve on our dear reader's deep wound.

Here is Pistola Whipped's attempt at the impossible...

Edward Cullen (from Twilight) interviews Gilligan (from Gilligan's Island)

Edward Cullen (EC): Gilligan, pleasure to meet you.

Gilligan (G): It's actually Bob Denver. How did you do this? I'm dead.

EC: Okay, Bob Denver...Gilligan. I have no idea who you are either way. As far as you being dead, I'm a vampire. I can talk to the dead. That's what we do.

G: A vampire? Right.

EC: Yes, I'm a vampire for a very popular book and motion picture series called Twilight. What elusive, wondrous creature are you to not know who I am?

G: I'm a dead creature. Remember? I died back in 2005.

EC: And how is being dead work for you? Do you miss how your heart swells and pressurizes hot blood through your thirsty veins?

G: Given that I went through quadruple bypass surgery to correct that very issue, no. Being dead is pretty lame. Kinda boring. I spend a lot of time smoking pot.

EC: Being dead for me is like a frequency, a hum of consciousness that operates at a different pitch.

G: You're a strange and intense little man.

EC: I've been told that before. In fact, I'm often compared to the director Jean-Luc Godard.

G: Never heard of him. I mainly worked with Sherwood Schwartz.

EC: Hmmm...what is your philosophy on love?

G: I'd guess I'd have to say, all we need is love. The Beatles said it best, I guess.

EC: Mine is that I'm happy with the death I have, but I do not have a margin to let just anyone come into my life.

G: Not really changing my opinion that you're kind of a ball of nerves there buddy. You could use a nice vacation on a desert island with a few beautiful women and some hammocks.

EC: No, I fancy dark brews while reading a book from a stack of books I have at my disposal in a dark corner of some trendy restaurant. Such an approach can only lead to satisfaction. I need to act on what is immediately available to me, I reckon.

G: Suit yourself, buddy. But with that attitude your eternity might last longer than mind.

Interview abruptly ends.

And that is what Pistola has to offer for the heartbroken and the downtrodden. Look with clear eyes and open hearts into the new year, even if it's through the bottom of a bottle.

May god have mercy on your souls.

Pistola Whipped '10


Anonymous said...

The Skipper wanted to hit Edward with his sailors cap from the moment he laid eyes on him.

Anonymous said...

one of my faves... the previous one was too dark. vampires, light and airy!


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Maybe the most hilarious interview i've ever seen in my whole life! there's no doubt about it