Hello,
How is everyone?
I've had the recent pleasure of getting rejected from getting into graduate school. Rejection is delightful. It feels good to cry, scream at God and ask 'why me, Lord?' and then have a reason to go and get drunk with your friends.
Since my future is now squashed into smithereens, I've taken the past week to reflect, build character and stare at my ceiling.
Whilst staring and reflecting, the question 'what should I do with my life, Oprah/Suze Orman?' kept going through my head.
Constantly beating oneself up for failing invokes some interesting developments, such as the one I'm going to share with you, dear readers. I've decided, in list-form, to design my future by drafting my fantasy careers. Analyze carefully. This is a high-stakes league.
Here is Pistola Whipped finds a dream career:
5.) Homicide detective, but only if I could be on A&E's The First 48.
4.) Alt-country singer/songwriter. Like Lucinda Williams, not Sheryl Crow.
3.) Novelist. No qualifiers.
2.) The product of a trust fund.
1.) Real Housewife of Minneapolis...hook me up Bravo.
So, what do you think? Possible?
What are yours?
I need to get to work on my future.
Yours very truly,
Pistola Whipped
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Pistola gets all Merriam on her readers...
Hello again,
How is every one?
I couldn't sleep last night. Usually when the insomnia settles in I start thinking of various scenes from my past. These typically aren't pleasant; most often they're full of regret, shame and anxiety.
Last night was different. I thought of a new word:
Wonky tonk. Noun. An American sports bar where British people go to get schnockered.
i.e. Hooters
Or...
Wonky tonk. Adjective. Describing an action British people perform that is exceedingly American backwoods.
i.e. Lady Gaga looked all wonky tonk riding that horse.
Yours very truly,
Pistola Webster
How is every one?
I couldn't sleep last night. Usually when the insomnia settles in I start thinking of various scenes from my past. These typically aren't pleasant; most often they're full of regret, shame and anxiety.
Last night was different. I thought of a new word:
Wonky tonk. Noun. An American sports bar where British people go to get schnockered.
i.e. Hooters
Or...
Wonky tonk. Adjective. Describing an action British people perform that is exceedingly American backwoods.
i.e. Lady Gaga looked all wonky tonk riding that horse.
Yours very truly,
Pistola Webster
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Hello bloga, hello la la and hello dolly...
Hello,
It's strange how this lonely blogosphere works. One quits blogging for a couple of months (the equivalent of centuries in blog time) and then suddenly decides to write again and readers come out of the blogwork.
For example: Barb. Barb posted a comment shortly after I blogged yesterday. It didn't appear that she was a Sexy Lady (I'm sure you're sexy Barb, just not in the Internet porn way) or someone trying to sell Viagra as most of my other comment authors have been. Quite frankly, I don't know anyone named Barb. So, Barb, hello! Hopefully you're legitimate and not Eric aka-ing as a female....again.
Let's move on, shall we?
As mentioned before I've taken a rather lengthy hiatus from blogging. Winter in Minnesota has a tendency to kill any creative thinking and since this blog is teeming with creativity, it died along with the first deep freeze. Now, ponderously, it has risen its roaring head and secured yet another riveting interview.
Today Pistola Whipped goes la-la with Lady Gaga:
Pistola Whipped (PW): Good day! Would you like a spot of tea?
Lady Gaga (LG): Hello. Sure, tea would be great.
PW: Oh, golly. I didn't think you'd actually want tea. I don't have any. I thought the British were more polite than to accept tea from a stranger.
LG: That's okay. Let me just text my assistant and he'll bring us some.
PW: Assistant-pfff. The British [Under breath].
LG: Excuse me?
PW: Nothing. Let's start the interview.
LG: I'm ready.
PW: You don't have much in the way of a British accent. Do you work with a trainer to sound more American when you're in America?
LG: I was actually born in New York City. I'm an American citizen.
PW: Oh right. Do they train you to say that too? Like you have this whole American rags to riches, rose to fame story, that sort of thing?
LG: No, I'm an American. Where did you get the impression that I'm British?
PW: Well, you're the offspring of Iman and David Bowie, right?
LG: NO! What? Are you for real?
PW: Yes, of course. I read the first two sentences of almost every article written about you. It invariably begins with, 'Lady Gaga and David Bowie....yadda.'
LG: If you cared to read further you'd discover that David Bowie is not my father. The press likes to compare my musical persona to that of David Bowie's.
PW: I think if the press compared me to a musical persona it would be Barbara Streisand. Don't you think?
LG: [Signs. Starts texting.]
PW: All right. Moving on, your music is almost as remarkable as your fashion style.
LG: I take some offense to that comment. My music is what I'm known for. My style comes second.
PW: Right. So, if you were wearing a pair of Lee jeans and a turtleneck and singing 'Poker Face' people would still listen?
LG: I believe so. Yes.
PW: Do you know Barbara Streisand?
LG: [Signals to assistant, takes of microphone and walks off interview.]
Once again another star interview folks! And I'm sure you all learned something: Lady Gaga is no relation to David Bowie.
Yours very truly,
Lady Pistola-ola
It's strange how this lonely blogosphere works. One quits blogging for a couple of months (the equivalent of centuries in blog time) and then suddenly decides to write again and readers come out of the blogwork.
For example: Barb. Barb posted a comment shortly after I blogged yesterday. It didn't appear that she was a Sexy Lady (I'm sure you're sexy Barb, just not in the Internet porn way) or someone trying to sell Viagra as most of my other comment authors have been. Quite frankly, I don't know anyone named Barb. So, Barb, hello! Hopefully you're legitimate and not Eric aka-ing as a female....again.
Let's move on, shall we?
As mentioned before I've taken a rather lengthy hiatus from blogging. Winter in Minnesota has a tendency to kill any creative thinking and since this blog is teeming with creativity, it died along with the first deep freeze. Now, ponderously, it has risen its roaring head and secured yet another riveting interview.
Today Pistola Whipped goes la-la with Lady Gaga:
Pistola Whipped (PW): Good day! Would you like a spot of tea?
Lady Gaga (LG): Hello. Sure, tea would be great.
PW: Oh, golly. I didn't think you'd actually want tea. I don't have any. I thought the British were more polite than to accept tea from a stranger.
LG: That's okay. Let me just text my assistant and he'll bring us some.
PW: Assistant-pfff. The British [Under breath].
LG: Excuse me?
PW: Nothing. Let's start the interview.
LG: I'm ready.
PW: You don't have much in the way of a British accent. Do you work with a trainer to sound more American when you're in America?
LG: I was actually born in New York City. I'm an American citizen.
PW: Oh right. Do they train you to say that too? Like you have this whole American rags to riches, rose to fame story, that sort of thing?
LG: No, I'm an American. Where did you get the impression that I'm British?
PW: Well, you're the offspring of Iman and David Bowie, right?
LG: NO! What? Are you for real?
PW: Yes, of course. I read the first two sentences of almost every article written about you. It invariably begins with, 'Lady Gaga and David Bowie....yadda.'
LG: If you cared to read further you'd discover that David Bowie is not my father. The press likes to compare my musical persona to that of David Bowie's.
PW: I think if the press compared me to a musical persona it would be Barbara Streisand. Don't you think?
LG: [Signs. Starts texting.]
PW: All right. Moving on, your music is almost as remarkable as your fashion style.
LG: I take some offense to that comment. My music is what I'm known for. My style comes second.
PW: Right. So, if you were wearing a pair of Lee jeans and a turtleneck and singing 'Poker Face' people would still listen?
LG: I believe so. Yes.
PW: Do you know Barbara Streisand?
LG: [Signals to assistant, takes of microphone and walks off interview.]
Once again another star interview folks! And I'm sure you all learned something: Lady Gaga is no relation to David Bowie.
Yours very truly,
Lady Pistola-ola
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Clap your hands say what...
Hello,
I am an American citizen.
I, like you, take my American rights seriously. And tonight we get to honor our American right to watch the State of the Union address on TV. Naturally I would watch the State of the Union even if it weren’t on every channel on TV, I think.
So, tonight we as a collective American people will sit on our chaise lounges and Barcaloungers and watch as President Barack Obama delivers his first freedom speech since taking office.
One thing I’ve noticed from year to year is that no matter whom the president, the viewing audience always claps after every sentence he says. I started to wonder this year, ‘who is the person responsible to keep the crowd energetic enough to keep clapping after every word the Prez says?’
In order to find out, I started a letter writing campaign. I wrote the White House. I wrote Hillary Clinton. I wrote Mario Lopez’s fan club. Oh wait, that was more of a personal matter. I never did get any responses, so I simply typed in ‘Who is the person responsible to keep the crowd energetic enough to keep clapping after every word the Prez says?’ And I still didn’t get any answers. So, I asked the Universe and found the guy.
With no further ado, Pistola Whipped shoots the breeze with State of the Union Address Audience Clap Guy.
Pistola Whipped (PW): Hello there [gives a big round of applause]!
Audience Clap Guy (ASG): You’re doing that all wrong.
PW: What?
ACG: Clapping. You’re clapping wrong [starts clapping].
PW: Really? That looks exactly like what I was just doing.
ACG: No, you had it all wrong.
PW: Okay. Well, thanks for the lesson. I suppose you should know. You’re the professional.
ACG: That’s right. I should know and I do know.
PW: Moving on. How did you know that you wanted to be the guy who gets an audience to clap?
ACG: Well, actually I just switch on a light that says, ‘APPLAUSE’ and then the audience kinda does the rest.
PW: You mean you flip on a light and the audience just does the rest?
ACG: Yeah, basically. I think that’s what I just said.
PW: So, you’re not behind the scenes mooning the audience or doing shadow puppets? It’s merely just flashing on a sign that says, ‘APPLAUSE’?
ACG: You hit the nail right on the head, missy.
PW: Even during the State of the Union address? You’re flashing an ‘APPLAUSE’ sign?
ACG: Oh yeah. They have a top notch one. Runs on nuclear energy. Real state of the art, if you know what I mean. Not even a switch on this one, just a big red button remotely hooked up to the sign. You don’t find that kind of apparatus on ‘American’s Funniest Videos’.
PW: Let me get this straight. You’re sitting near the president pushing a big red button that doesn’t look like it’s hooked up to anything? That doesn’t pose a security risk?
ACG: Nah, me and presidential security go way back. They know that after I got out of the pen the last time I put my criminal past behind me.
PW: You're a criminal?
ACG: Reformed. Now I'm in the business of Crowd Enthusiasm.
[A man in a black suit comes over to talk to ACG.]
ACG: Sorry. I gotta run. I have to go and do thumb calisthenics. It can be pretty draining to have to push that button down nearly 300 times in three hours.
PW: All right. See ya.
And that's it. I thought that the politicians had that much zest for the Presidential State of the Union address, but as it turns out, they are just duped by some phony sign.
Yours very truly,
Pistola Clapped
I am an American citizen.
I, like you, take my American rights seriously. And tonight we get to honor our American right to watch the State of the Union address on TV. Naturally I would watch the State of the Union even if it weren’t on every channel on TV, I think.
So, tonight we as a collective American people will sit on our chaise lounges and Barcaloungers and watch as President Barack Obama delivers his first freedom speech since taking office.
One thing I’ve noticed from year to year is that no matter whom the president, the viewing audience always claps after every sentence he says. I started to wonder this year, ‘who is the person responsible to keep the crowd energetic enough to keep clapping after every word the Prez says?’
In order to find out, I started a letter writing campaign. I wrote the White House. I wrote Hillary Clinton. I wrote Mario Lopez’s fan club. Oh wait, that was more of a personal matter. I never did get any responses, so I simply typed in ‘Who is the person responsible to keep the crowd energetic enough to keep clapping after every word the Prez says?’ And I still didn’t get any answers. So, I asked the Universe and found the guy.
With no further ado, Pistola Whipped shoots the breeze with State of the Union Address Audience Clap Guy.
Pistola Whipped (PW): Hello there [gives a big round of applause]!
Audience Clap Guy (ASG): You’re doing that all wrong.
PW: What?
ACG: Clapping. You’re clapping wrong [starts clapping].
PW: Really? That looks exactly like what I was just doing.
ACG: No, you had it all wrong.
PW: Okay. Well, thanks for the lesson. I suppose you should know. You’re the professional.
ACG: That’s right. I should know and I do know.
PW: Moving on. How did you know that you wanted to be the guy who gets an audience to clap?
ACG: Well, actually I just switch on a light that says, ‘APPLAUSE’ and then the audience kinda does the rest.
PW: You mean you flip on a light and the audience just does the rest?
ACG: Yeah, basically. I think that’s what I just said.
PW: So, you’re not behind the scenes mooning the audience or doing shadow puppets? It’s merely just flashing on a sign that says, ‘APPLAUSE’?
ACG: You hit the nail right on the head, missy.
PW: Even during the State of the Union address? You’re flashing an ‘APPLAUSE’ sign?
ACG: Oh yeah. They have a top notch one. Runs on nuclear energy. Real state of the art, if you know what I mean. Not even a switch on this one, just a big red button remotely hooked up to the sign. You don’t find that kind of apparatus on ‘American’s Funniest Videos’.
PW: Let me get this straight. You’re sitting near the president pushing a big red button that doesn’t look like it’s hooked up to anything? That doesn’t pose a security risk?
ACG: Nah, me and presidential security go way back. They know that after I got out of the pen the last time I put my criminal past behind me.
PW: You're a criminal?
ACG: Reformed. Now I'm in the business of Crowd Enthusiasm.
[A man in a black suit comes over to talk to ACG.]
ACG: Sorry. I gotta run. I have to go and do thumb calisthenics. It can be pretty draining to have to push that button down nearly 300 times in three hours.
PW: All right. See ya.
And that's it. I thought that the politicians had that much zest for the Presidential State of the Union address, but as it turns out, they are just duped by some phony sign.
Yours very truly,
Pistola Clapped
Monday, October 5, 2009
True Romance....
Hi,
Here we are again, fellow reader, alone in this great big tundra...waiting for the big shiver to settle in.
Let's shut down and pretend. Let's pretend we love each other. Let's pretend we know each other. Think about us: in love, sitting close, sipping a margarita, outside, under an umbrella, watching the prettier people...I whisper in your perfect ear, 'I am so in love with you I know how much I annoy you and I can't stop.'
You whisper back in my half-deaf ear,'you annoy me so much I can't imagine anyone else annoying me as much as you do.'
And nothing else has ever sounded so romantic.
I say these words because I love you.
Sincerely,
Pistola + her dear reader(s) 4-ever
Here we are again, fellow reader, alone in this great big tundra...waiting for the big shiver to settle in.
Let's shut down and pretend. Let's pretend we love each other. Let's pretend we know each other. Think about us: in love, sitting close, sipping a margarita, outside, under an umbrella, watching the prettier people...I whisper in your perfect ear, 'I am so in love with you I know how much I annoy you and I can't stop.'
You whisper back in my half-deaf ear,'you annoy me so much I can't imagine anyone else annoying me as much as you do.'
And nothing else has ever sounded so romantic.
I say these words because I love you.
Sincerely,
Pistola + her dear reader(s) 4-ever
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The difference between the Jamily and The Family
Hello,
How's your week been?
As most of my dear reader(s) don’t know because of its almost total irrelevance to modern society, Pearl Jam released a new album last week. I've listened to the album about 17 times in the past week; it's called Backspacer and is fairly solid and I’m only about half deaf.
The pure fact is I love Pearl Jam. Inarguably; my love is truly for Eddie Vedder. However a basic love for their music has become a side product. The truth is I’ve actually come to appreciate nearly a third of their musical catalogue.
I’m not going to bore you, dear reader(s), with the long and uninteresting story of how I became such an ardent fan of Pearl Jam because, like you, it involves a boy, angst and checkered blue and red flannel.
What sets me apart from the others is that I’ve stayed true. I've went on to unofficially join the Jamily: Pearl Jam's cult-like following that would follow their dear leader into the driest, sandiest stretches of the American desert after a purposeless, mass killing.
Yep, I stuck around after Ten and liked it. While the rest of you went on to more mature musical landscapes created by hip, artsy bands like Radiohead, Modest Mouse and MGMT…that kept their fans attractively at bay, I stayed put. This odd habit of loyalty has often fucked me in other areas of my life…namely with men, but still it persists.
Fortunately for me and Pistola's reader(s) it finally paid out and I was able to score an interview with Teddie Vedder! Of course we all know him as the lead singer of the cover band Can’t Find a Better Band.
Pistola Whipped Gets a Life: Hi Teddie!
Teddie Vedder: Die bitch.
PWGAL: Is that a swastika on your forehead?
T.V.: Suck it, cuntwhore.
PWGAL: Wow. You look a lot more like Charles Manson than Eddie Vedder.
T.V.: That fucking communist pig Vedder has a swastika on his forehead.
PWGAL: Ah, no he doesn't. Those lines are from furrowing his brows together because of his deep concern over the human condition.
Teddie Vedder just rocks silently in his chair.
PWGAL: No, really. I mean that swastika on your forehead looks like the one Charles Manson has. I think I would know how Eddie's forehead swastika looks.
TV: Once I carve your eyeballs out of your whore head you wouldn't know what a swastika looked like if it was carved on your vagina.
PWGAL: Wow. You're really being a big jerk. You know Eddie Vedder is responsible for such sensitive hits as, 'Wishlist', 'Daughter' and 'Can't Find a Better Man'? For someone impersonating him you'd think you'd be a bit more in tune to a lady interviewer.
Once again, Teddie Vedder just looks at Pistola while rocking in his chair.
PWGAL: Um, okay. Moving on…what inspired you to start a Pearl Jam cover band?
T.V.: Pearl Jam gets a lot of pussy. I don’t get much of that where I'm living. I NEED PUSSY!
PWGAL: Not an answer Eddie Vedder would give at all, but okay. What song of Pearl Jam’s do you perform that gets the most applause from the crowd?
T.V.: DIE PIGS! [raises hands in air. Pistola notices handcuffs wrapped around Teddie's wrists for the first time.]
PWGAL: I’m not familiar with that song. What album could I find that on?
T.V.: How about you get on your knees, suck my dick right now and you'll find it! Helter Skelter!!
PWGAL: Okay. I’m pretty much sure Eddie Vedder wouldn't ever say that. You're Charles Manson pretending to be Eddie Vedder, which is just gross. Does Eddie Vedder know you’re impersonating him?
Charles Manson: I am fucking Eddie Vedder. I am fucking Teddie Vedder. I am fucking the Anti-Christ. Little girl, you are going to get your asshole ripped out of your pig mouth and then I'm going to shove it in your bitch-ass Sharon Tate vagina.
PWGAL: Okay. That confirms it. You're pretty much Charles Manson. Anyway, do you know Eddie Vedder?
Prison guards dragging Charles Manson off the interview site.
So, that interview wasn't as successful as it could have been. I guess I should read between the lines when responding to ads in the back of the National Enquirer.
Until then I remain,
Prisonola Whipped
How's your week been?
As most of my dear reader(s) don’t know because of its almost total irrelevance to modern society, Pearl Jam released a new album last week. I've listened to the album about 17 times in the past week; it's called Backspacer and is fairly solid and I’m only about half deaf.
The pure fact is I love Pearl Jam. Inarguably; my love is truly for Eddie Vedder. However a basic love for their music has become a side product. The truth is I’ve actually come to appreciate nearly a third of their musical catalogue.
I’m not going to bore you, dear reader(s), with the long and uninteresting story of how I became such an ardent fan of Pearl Jam because, like you, it involves a boy, angst and checkered blue and red flannel.
What sets me apart from the others is that I’ve stayed true. I've went on to unofficially join the Jamily: Pearl Jam's cult-like following that would follow their dear leader into the driest, sandiest stretches of the American desert after a purposeless, mass killing.
Yep, I stuck around after Ten and liked it. While the rest of you went on to more mature musical landscapes created by hip, artsy bands like Radiohead, Modest Mouse and MGMT…that kept their fans attractively at bay, I stayed put. This odd habit of loyalty has often fucked me in other areas of my life…namely with men, but still it persists.
Fortunately for me and Pistola's reader(s) it finally paid out and I was able to score an interview with Teddie Vedder! Of course we all know him as the lead singer of the cover band Can’t Find a Better Band.
Pistola Whipped Gets a Life: Hi Teddie!
Teddie Vedder: Die bitch.
PWGAL: Is that a swastika on your forehead?
T.V.: Suck it, cuntwhore.
PWGAL: Wow. You look a lot more like Charles Manson than Eddie Vedder.
T.V.: That fucking communist pig Vedder has a swastika on his forehead.
PWGAL: Ah, no he doesn't. Those lines are from furrowing his brows together because of his deep concern over the human condition.
Teddie Vedder just rocks silently in his chair.
PWGAL: No, really. I mean that swastika on your forehead looks like the one Charles Manson has. I think I would know how Eddie's forehead swastika looks.
TV: Once I carve your eyeballs out of your whore head you wouldn't know what a swastika looked like if it was carved on your vagina.
PWGAL: Wow. You're really being a big jerk. You know Eddie Vedder is responsible for such sensitive hits as, 'Wishlist', 'Daughter' and 'Can't Find a Better Man'? For someone impersonating him you'd think you'd be a bit more in tune to a lady interviewer.
Once again, Teddie Vedder just looks at Pistola while rocking in his chair.
PWGAL: Um, okay. Moving on…what inspired you to start a Pearl Jam cover band?
T.V.: Pearl Jam gets a lot of pussy. I don’t get much of that where I'm living. I NEED PUSSY!
PWGAL: Not an answer Eddie Vedder would give at all, but okay. What song of Pearl Jam’s do you perform that gets the most applause from the crowd?
T.V.: DIE PIGS! [raises hands in air. Pistola notices handcuffs wrapped around Teddie's wrists for the first time.]
PWGAL: I’m not familiar with that song. What album could I find that on?
T.V.: How about you get on your knees, suck my dick right now and you'll find it! Helter Skelter!!
PWGAL: Okay. I’m pretty much sure Eddie Vedder wouldn't ever say that. You're Charles Manson pretending to be Eddie Vedder, which is just gross. Does Eddie Vedder know you’re impersonating him?
Charles Manson: I am fucking Eddie Vedder. I am fucking Teddie Vedder. I am fucking the Anti-Christ. Little girl, you are going to get your asshole ripped out of your pig mouth and then I'm going to shove it in your bitch-ass Sharon Tate vagina.
PWGAL: Okay. That confirms it. You're pretty much Charles Manson. Anyway, do you know Eddie Vedder?
Prison guards dragging Charles Manson off the interview site.
So, that interview wasn't as successful as it could have been. I guess I should read between the lines when responding to ads in the back of the National Enquirer.
Until then I remain,
Prisonola Whipped
Friday, September 11, 2009
Interview with a Celebrity...
Hello,
How are you on this muggy, hot September night in Friday?
Something about that question doesn't roll right, but I'm going to leave it because I'm lazy.
I am well. Thanks for not asking.
Not to fear, dear reader...I take what you say and feel about this blog seriously. I take it down to the deepest, rotting, barely beating core of my heart. And that's why this blog is truly for you. Yeah, I may get some kicks out of gushing meaningless feelings and posting it on the Internet for all to read, but really it's about you.
So, when I review all of my comments from my blog posts (all one comment)-I know what is a hit here on Pistola Whipped gets a Life and what fails miserably and what seems to work is the candid, telling, rare interviews I am able to secure.
I know I've been away awhile...I'm sure you've been checking in hourly waiting for little Pisty here to post again, but I've been busy. I've been busy searching the smallest crevices of this big world for the perfect interview for PWGAL and I think I've found it.
With no further ado...
Pistola Whipped goes full frontal with David Duchovny
PWGAL: David, hello. Geez, you're tall...and handsome. My god. (Pistola wringing her hands, not sure if she is able to go on with this interview.)
DD: Hi. Hello. How are you? Who are you? I'm sorry. Have we met? I thought I was supposed to be interviewing with Barbara Walters.
PWGAL: Oh, about that. Yeah, Barbara wasn't able to make it. This is actually an interview for my blog...Pistola Whipped gets a Life? You may have heard of it. It's really well read in Las Vegas.
DD: Um, okay, (signaling to his bodyguard). I don't really read...
PWGAL: New Mexico. It's popular in Las Vegas, New Mexico.
DD: So, what exactly do you want? How can I help you?
PWGAL: Well, David, I guess me and my readers have some questions for you. And you know since this blog is totally underground and stuff you don't have to feel any pressure to give us the Hollywood answers.
DD: Hollywood answers? I'm not sure I understand.
PWGAL: Not to worry. Let's start with this question: In your new TV series, Californication, you play Hank Moody. A drunken writer who seems to bang anything that walks. Question: is there anybody you wouldn't bang?
DD: Well, hmmm...Hank is promiscuous. He doesn't see the point in trying to develop a relationship anymore since he's in love with his ex-girlfriend and she won't have him. Unrequited love...that whole bit, ya know?
PWGAL: Oh, wait. I see. I think you thought I was asking if Hank Moody would bang anybody. I was actually asking if you, David Duchovny, would bang anybody?
DD: That's kind of personal and I'm a married man, so no, I wouldn't bang anybody.
PWGAL: That leads us perfectly to my next question: how did your addiction to sex work with being married and all?
DD: Again that's kind of personal, but um, I guess it worked for awhile and then it didn't, hence the treatment.
PWGAL: Treatment...treatment? (tapping forehead) What exactly is treatment again?
DD: Treatment is where you go through intense counseling and self-reflection to beat your personal demons. Do you honestly not know what treatment is? Rehab?
PWGAL: Yeah, never heard of it. I just figured you took the role of Hank Moody so you could have sex with a ton of women without it being cheating.
DD: Are you serious? Are you being serious right now?
PWGAL: Moving on, you played Fox Mulder on the X-Files for an astounding nine seasons.
DD: That is correct.
PWGAL: You received a Master's Degree from Yale in UFO studies and out-of-body experiences. How did your education help you in the role of Mulder?
DD: Actually, I received a Master's from Yale in English literature. So, if it helped at all, it actually helped more in the role of Hank Moody since he's a writer.
PWGAL: Really? I'm not seeing the connection there.
DD: Well, Hank is a writer-I studied English lit...
PWGAL: So, you didn't receive a Master's in UFO studies? I have it on good authority that you did.
DD: I think I would know. Listen, could we wrap this up? I have a lot of things I have to do.
PWGAL: (snickers)...you have a lot of things you have to do, don't you mean a lot of people you have to do?
DD: All right. I think we're done here. It's been great. I wish you well, whatever your name is.
PWGAL: David, I love you. Please take me right here and right now (Pistola falls to her knees).
David Duchovny has already left the room.
Well, there it is folks. My connections finally scored me a Hollywood A-list interview and wasn't it good? I guess it proves that David isn't the big slut we've all thought because he wouldn't sleep with me.
Wait.
Shit.
I gotta go,
Pistola
How are you on this muggy, hot September night in Friday?
Something about that question doesn't roll right, but I'm going to leave it because I'm lazy.
I am well. Thanks for not asking.
Not to fear, dear reader...I take what you say and feel about this blog seriously. I take it down to the deepest, rotting, barely beating core of my heart. And that's why this blog is truly for you. Yeah, I may get some kicks out of gushing meaningless feelings and posting it on the Internet for all to read, but really it's about you.
So, when I review all of my comments from my blog posts (all one comment)-I know what is a hit here on Pistola Whipped gets a Life and what fails miserably and what seems to work is the candid, telling, rare interviews I am able to secure.
I know I've been away awhile...I'm sure you've been checking in hourly waiting for little Pisty here to post again, but I've been busy. I've been busy searching the smallest crevices of this big world for the perfect interview for PWGAL and I think I've found it.
With no further ado...
Pistola Whipped goes full frontal with David Duchovny
PWGAL: David, hello. Geez, you're tall...and handsome. My god. (Pistola wringing her hands, not sure if she is able to go on with this interview.)
DD: Hi. Hello. How are you? Who are you? I'm sorry. Have we met? I thought I was supposed to be interviewing with Barbara Walters.
PWGAL: Oh, about that. Yeah, Barbara wasn't able to make it. This is actually an interview for my blog...Pistola Whipped gets a Life? You may have heard of it. It's really well read in Las Vegas.
DD: Um, okay, (signaling to his bodyguard). I don't really read...
PWGAL: New Mexico. It's popular in Las Vegas, New Mexico.
DD: So, what exactly do you want? How can I help you?
PWGAL: Well, David, I guess me and my readers have some questions for you. And you know since this blog is totally underground and stuff you don't have to feel any pressure to give us the Hollywood answers.
DD: Hollywood answers? I'm not sure I understand.
PWGAL: Not to worry. Let's start with this question: In your new TV series, Californication, you play Hank Moody. A drunken writer who seems to bang anything that walks. Question: is there anybody you wouldn't bang?
DD: Well, hmmm...Hank is promiscuous. He doesn't see the point in trying to develop a relationship anymore since he's in love with his ex-girlfriend and she won't have him. Unrequited love...that whole bit, ya know?
PWGAL: Oh, wait. I see. I think you thought I was asking if Hank Moody would bang anybody. I was actually asking if you, David Duchovny, would bang anybody?
DD: That's kind of personal and I'm a married man, so no, I wouldn't bang anybody.
PWGAL: That leads us perfectly to my next question: how did your addiction to sex work with being married and all?
DD: Again that's kind of personal, but um, I guess it worked for awhile and then it didn't, hence the treatment.
PWGAL: Treatment...treatment? (tapping forehead) What exactly is treatment again?
DD: Treatment is where you go through intense counseling and self-reflection to beat your personal demons. Do you honestly not know what treatment is? Rehab?
PWGAL: Yeah, never heard of it. I just figured you took the role of Hank Moody so you could have sex with a ton of women without it being cheating.
DD: Are you serious? Are you being serious right now?
PWGAL: Moving on, you played Fox Mulder on the X-Files for an astounding nine seasons.
DD: That is correct.
PWGAL: You received a Master's Degree from Yale in UFO studies and out-of-body experiences. How did your education help you in the role of Mulder?
DD: Actually, I received a Master's from Yale in English literature. So, if it helped at all, it actually helped more in the role of Hank Moody since he's a writer.
PWGAL: Really? I'm not seeing the connection there.
DD: Well, Hank is a writer-I studied English lit...
PWGAL: So, you didn't receive a Master's in UFO studies? I have it on good authority that you did.
DD: I think I would know. Listen, could we wrap this up? I have a lot of things I have to do.
PWGAL: (snickers)...you have a lot of things you have to do, don't you mean a lot of people you have to do?
DD: All right. I think we're done here. It's been great. I wish you well, whatever your name is.
PWGAL: David, I love you. Please take me right here and right now (Pistola falls to her knees).
David Duchovny has already left the room.
Well, there it is folks. My connections finally scored me a Hollywood A-list interview and wasn't it good? I guess it proves that David isn't the big slut we've all thought because he wouldn't sleep with me.
Wait.
Shit.
I gotta go,
Pistola
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
